Atomic Nerds

Today is Valentine’s day, but I’ve pretty much already said all I have to on the subject. Squid sex will make a reasonable substitute topic, I think.

Via a pingback from Whipped Cream Difficulties, we discover a Christian Science Monitor article with the helpful headline “scientists discover how to make squid go completely berserk”. The rest of the article is a reasonably fair one that lets the researchers mostly speak for themselves about what they actually learned and what it could mean, but the headline is a little bit misleading.

Here is a basic summation of the details: Researchers observed that male squid that touched fertilized squid eggs immediately changed behavior from investigatory to combativeness with other males; they found that this could be repeated in a controlled setting both with actual eggs and with a synthesized chemical replication of a protein found in the egg coating, smeared over a tube containing squid eggs.

The researchers are excited because a 1:1 chemical-to-behavior link like that is very rare, and if you read between the lines of the article that’s fairly clear; the reporter is excited because berserk squid are cool. There’s a little bit of talk about how related proteins are found in vertebrates, particularly in seminal fluid, but given that human semen demonstrably does not cause anyone to go berserk, it’s safe to assume they have a different function. The researchers are right to suggest that looking into what other function, if any, they DO have- if for no other reason than more data into the way very similar proteins can change functions dramatically over the course of evolution.

Here’s some context other than “berserk squid!” to keep in mind when reading this article:

1. If they tested whether the chemical alone has that effect on male squid, it’s not in here. In the glass-vial test they used squid eggs inside a tube with the chemical smeared over the outside surface; the eggs were to attract the males’ attention. Given that squid are EXTREMELY visual animals, I would want to see if they could get the same effect with, say, food in the tube rather than eggs. I wouldn’t be prepared to rule out the idea that it was the combination of sight of eggs + protein that had that behavior result and not the chemical stimulant alone. This context could be particularly important because

2. For squid, sex is a large group event, and culminates in death. They don’t live long at all after they’ve mated. What’s more than that, it’s not an event that’s dominated by battles among males; it’s mostly a matter of pairing off within the group and going through elaborate signaling dances about who will mate with whom*. This throws an interesting wrinkle into the researchers’ proposed scenario for the purpose of this behavior- triggered competitive dominance- because

3. Squid eggs are already fertilized by the time they’re on the ocean floor and investigatable by males. The reproductive investment for that female and whatever males mated with her is over; she keeps the eggs in her mantle until after they’ve been fertilized by one or more males of her choice. Any given male may have an interest in guarding her from both predators and other males BEFORE she’s laid them, but afterward, he has no further interest.

This changes the face of the scenario a bit; given that everybody is going to die at the end of the group orgy, finding a bunch of already-fertilized eggs, for a male that has not already mated, may mean that his chance to reproduce at all is rapidly slipping away. Frantic and compulsive fighting with other males is an extremely risky behavior, given that squid mating events are all-you-can eat buffets for predators and attract them for miles around, and a male wrapped up in a battle is one that’s extremely vulnerable. If his personal evolutionary investment is about to come to an end regardless, that might shift the cost-benefit for that male to fighting for what females may remain that have not already mated to the better where otherwise it would be a good way to wind up eaten, where earlier in the event it may benefit him more to look for females to court than to fight with other males.

Either way I can see multiple different ways follow-up research could go. The chemical apparently provokes aggression among males even if there are no females to fight for, but what happens if there are many females? Is this an “aggression” chemical, or a “go into end-of-life reproductive drive” chemical? What would happen if you introduced the chemical somehow in a scenario where there were females, but no eggs in sight?

Rich ground indeed. Probably doesn’t have a single interesting implication for non-squids, though, except that there might be a protein in semen that does something we don’t know yet that definitely isn’t “trigger intense aggression”.

*A non-receptive female may instead kill and eat a male she really doesn’t want to accept. No means no.

Be the lack of bullshit you want to see in the world.

-doqz

We were watching the new Top Gear last night, and instead of the usual fast forward through the commercials, let them run so as to make use of their original purpose, going to the kitchen for a refill and snack. Rummaging among the pantry, an anachronism wandered in and squatted smugly atop the screen.

“Call now or visit us on the web for the best psychic readings! Guaranteed accuracy! Dial 1blahblahblah.com!”

Really?

No, seriously?

Didn’t this shit die out with Madam Cleo exhorting us to call meh naw? I mean, sure, some gypsies in Mudholonia are getting taxed over it, but the most recent thing to hit their country was the black death. I was honestly astounded to see this, um, “service” being advertised openly. But that’s not the part that got me. The part that set the little wheels of evil in my mind to spinning was their price structure. One dollar per minute. One dollar buys you sixty seconds of a Real Genuine Psychic’s time, and we know they’re Genuine. They say so right in the company name!

This strikes me as an extremely good dollar to entertainment ratio. Sure, it may not be able to compete with Netflix where $20 gets you all-you-can-stream-and-some-dvds, putting the price at fractions of a cent per minute, but compare it to a movie, or video game. And you can pack a lot of interactive fun into a minute. Consider even just the simple examples.

“Hello, and thank you for calling We’re Totally Not Shams Psychic Service, what do you need to know?”
“YES OR NO?!”
“Yes or no what?”
“Fuck! THEY SAID YOU WERE GOOD AT THIS SHIT, COME ON YES OR NO I’M ALMOST OUT OF TIME!”

“Hello, and blah blah…”
“Is it contagious?”

“Hello and oh god, it’s you again”
“Hey, you’re getting better at this!”

“Hello and thank you for calling…”
“The police arrive in 90 seconds. I’ve gotten the first two numbers of the combination, but I’m in a bind. The manager’s birthday is 3-14-68 and his daughter’s name is Megan. You’ve gotta help me!”

“Hello, and thank etc”
“How much will the negotiator agree to? I need the upper limit, and if you can what Frank is gonna bid, and — oh shit, hurry, they’re reconvening!”

I’d say those reactions ought to be worth a buck.

Someday, I will achieve a visit to our local Motor Vehicle Department and have everything I need with no surprises, undocumented arcane rules not listed on their website, or trips behind a door marked “Beware of the Leopard”.

Today was not that day.

Sorry for the lack of richer content here lately; all my current hobbyhorses are merrily scampering around leading to various productive ends but not ones I can turn into a post soon.

So, Romania. Having first decided to tax witches and fortune-tellers on the profits of their trade, Romania is now proposing to regulate them, keeping track of clients, predictions, and outcomes.

The article quotes someone asserting this is just a distraction to keep the public amused and looking away from the government’s much more serious problems, which is probably true. That aside, this is the most brilliant way to handle parasitic supernatural shysters I’ve ever seen; rather than outlaw them and prosecute them under confidence game and bunkum laws, do what REALLY makes the public lose faith in an industry: make them boring, mainstream, and burdened with regulation. If this has the effect it does on legitimate businesses, imagine what it has the potential to do to people who never had any there there other than mystique to begin with.

People expect their witch to be dodgy. People expect results from their insurance agent.

Still digging my Talon from Dragon Leatherworks, but Dennis had to go and trump himself. From a recent email:

I’ve made the decision to offer the Talon with a Limited Lifetime Warranty. If workmanship of the holster fails during normal use to the original owner, it gets repaired free of charge.

If it can’t be repaired, it will be replaced with a brand new one.

Can you say awesome? I thought you could.

Unrelated, this cracked me up way more than it should’ve. Kindly spare any “but the parent’s should’ve…!” outrage in the comments, but seriously, have you ever seen a more perfectly formed expression of “I WILL set you on fire with my mind. While you sleep.” in your life?

After two years of snickering at Democrats getting increasingly desperate trying to sell their agenda to the American public and doing everything but Presidential puppet shows to get the messaging to take, Republicans discover they have the same problem. The public isn’t really buying, so we must not be selling effectively enough!

House Republicans know they’re struggling with their economic message, and they’re anxious to spin it back on track.

They believe a failure of communication, not policy, has left them struggling to show that their agenda will lead to robust job growth.

It would be utterly hilarious to watch these two bands of dipshits catastrophically failing to learn from each others’ mistakes if they weren’t leading our country.

It’s not the policy and it’s not the messaging, my fuzzy little elephants, it’s you. There’s a reason there’s been three complete political turnovers in as many major elections, and it’s because the public doesn’t trust you *at all* anymore.

As speaker, Democratic leader Nancy Pelosi of California tried and failed to convince the public that she could put America back to work with a cap-and-trade energy bill, the massive health care overhaul and new regulations on Wall Street.

Republicans don’t want to meet the same fate, so GOP leaders and their top aides say they are recalibrating their communications strategy. They are shifting from a constant uttering of “Where are the jobs?” to explaining how their actions on the floor will spur the economy.

Nancy failed because the public- entirely accurately- suspected that Democrats getting several items checked off their wishlist that they’ve had in good times and bad probably had nothing really to do with growing the economy or creating jobs. The public quite rightly suspects the same thing of Republicans and has no reason whatsoever not to.

The centerpiece right now is an argument over whether a proposal to slash spending on domestic programs will create jobs.

The cuts, envisioned for a Continuing Resolution to fund the government through the end of September, will “restore restraints to the broken budget process and help promote better economic conditions for sustained job creation,” Republicans argued in a fresh set of talking points circulated to lawmakers Thursday.

The problem here is that there’s no actual cause-and-effect relationship here unless you’re a Republican and believe that shrinking government always leads to better economic conditions as a matter of course, much as Democrats believe growing it always leads to better economic conditions as a matter of course. There are genuine competing economic theories under here, but to the public at large it’s every bit as sensible and believable as “chicken farmers sacrificing all their black cockerels at the fifteenth of the month will create jobs”. The subsequent justifications afterward sound about the same, too.

They’ll also take to the House floor to direct committees to cut back what they consider harmful regulations — and during the course of the debate, committee chairmen will speak about how they are working to create jobs. House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-Va.) told committee chairmen during their interviews that their committee work must create jobs, reduce spending and shrink government.

This sounds like every single soul-suckingly bullshit “quality assurance” meeting every American office drone in Dilbert hell has ever been to.

There’s more of the article, but continuing to belabor the point would be, well, pointless. The problem is that even if you agree with the underlying structure of economic theory that more-or-less outlines conservatives- the Hayek side of Keynes vs. Hayek- the whole dog-and-pony show comes off as voodoo-like at best. The government *can’t* create jobs, though it can certainly impede them with vigor. The government *can’t* directly improve the economy, though once again it’s much better at impeding it. As agendas go, “working on jobs” mostly means standing out of the way- which is part of what Republicans propose to do by examining regulatory burden, but it’s still pretty weak tea.

Especially when it’s coming from a professional class with an earned reputation for corruption, graft, self-interested political theater, and anything but standing out of the way- which is largely composed of the same individuals who lost trust in the first place.

In another case of the increasing intersection in my life between parody and reality, we have here an article from the UK Telegraph about a plan to introduce gay-themed lessons in math, geography, science, and so forth. At first I was entirely convinced it was the product of a right-wing satire website like Christwire, but so far as I can tell for now it’s legit. (I am still hoping it’s not and if you can point out some bit of clever spoofing in the URL I’d be grateful.)

The immediate and obvious response to this vein of ham-handed PC buffoonery is “THEY INDOCTRINATIN’ OUR CHILDREN”, a bandwagon I’m not particularly inclined to jump on, for two reasons. The first one is that the actual aim, however misguided, authoritarian, and generally a bad idea in execution, is to teach kids that gay people exist as part of society rather than merely being what you call your friend Billy when you feel his football performance has been under par. I’m not terribly sympathetic to the “I don’t want my children exposed” line of reasoning; unless the education features live sodomy or other things obviously sexually inappropriate in any context, it doesn’t actually benefit children to be insulated from the mere existence of things and people their parents find objectionable, nor is such insulation a reasonable demand. There are already enough people reacting like startled woodland fawns to various features of adult reality after they are long since adults, we don’t need to perpetuate the trend.

The second reason is that it’s not going to work, because these are schoolchildren we’re talking about here, not robots. The likeliest outcome of using a biology lesson to teach ten-year-old boys that seahorses carry and care for the young is making “seahorse” the hottest new insult on the football pitch, not giving young boys a heretofore unfelt urge to be impregnated or even a new sympathy for gay people.

That second reason would be the primary one I’m dragging my palm down my face: even if you agree wholly with the theoretical best aim of the program (make the existence of gay people less alien), what on earth makes you think this will have any kind of net benefit? These children are long since aware, thanks in large part to the same kind of thinking that leads to programs like these, that adult authority and especially that to be found at school is extremely silly. The likely outcome isn’t kids being more empathetic to gay people or kids infected with the gay, it’s kids on a month-long gay joke bender who emerge with a newly reinforced image of gay people and gayness as part and parcel of the absurdity adults generally try to inflict on them.

Lastly, what kind of idiot trusts a massive ham-fisted bureaucracy to represent them? Can you imagine what we’d get if the US black history month had attempted to incorporate “black math” or “black geography”? They probably would have outdone actual racist hate groups in their cartoony stereotyping. By the time the program’s authors finished attempting to figure out what kind of archetypical homosexual they were trying to represent, we’d likely wind up with something that would have made Truman Capote cringe.

Waste of time, waste of money, another in a long series of insults to the intelligence of anyboy, but I do vaguely want to see if “seahorse” catches on.

Atomic Nerds, in conjunction with Querencia are proud to bring you what we feel will be a step forward in the realm of personal combat and defense not seen in use since the longbow.

As modern dangers have evolved in response to changing conditions, much as deer have become tougher and harder to kill over the years, gunnies in the know are advocating increasing the amounts of training the average man or woman on the street should have under their Wilderness Instructor belts. Clearly a good thing; knowing your tools better and having some idea how to use them is an excellent goal in any situation, moreso when dealing with your own personal safety. Discrete armor is on the rise, and across the land, people are duct taping their ceramic trauma plates together to better deal with multiple rounds of .338 lapua to the back. Holsters are becoming technical masterpieces of engineering and moving parts to assure rapid success under stressful conditions, and our clothing is changing to match the high-stress demands we put on the very things we wear.

Technology has even come to improve our ammunition, and certainly our firearms. We have lights galore, frickin’ lasers, holograms, computerized optics, more things to put on rails than you can shake a carbon-fiber tactical stick at, and even a way to get crits in combat.

For the truly dedicated, there are of course helmets, but that’s valuable real estate. Your head contains your primary weapon, but what if it could contain your secondary as well? What if, and just go with me on this for a minute, but what if your head could contain a directed autonomous tactical weapons suite to augment your outgoing fire, distract and harry your enemy, be it the Kevlar-skinned SumDood himself, Twitchy the Meth Monkey, or even that rascally rabbit. With a simple whistle or word, the battlefield will tilt in your favor as this eagle-eyed smart weapon homes in like a hawk on your adversary.

Below the jump, behold as Atomic Nerds and Querencia present: The Cranial Raptor Autonomous Personal Hazard Engagement Assistance Defense System
(more…)

You may have noticed that there haven’t been any Cooking Noob posts in a dog’s age, and there are a couple of reasons for that. One is that I’m not really such a noob anymore; my knife skills are still hilariously bad, but I’ve gotten a lot better grasp of kitchen nuts and bolts and am no longer nearly as prone to doing things that make for funny posting later, like set the stove on fire or mistake Celsius notation for Fahrenheit. I’m still bad enough at it to make anything take longer than it should and make a few face-palming mistakes, but it’s nowhere near the vein for easy comedy it used to be. The second is that between the dish and the post, they tended to take half my day- given that the logical course to take it would be to graduate to more complex recipes, that phenomenon would only expand. Maybe tempation will bring me back to it, but I wouldn’t hold my breath.

Recently, I was reading one of those works of light and frothy fiction (in this case, translated from Japanese) that uses cooking and recipes as a major frame around whatever little slice-of-life storyline it has going at the time. The vast, vast majority of the food centered around ingredients I could only hope to lay my hands on with a trans-Pacific flight, and thus were easy to ignore, but at one point things took a more Western bent and a potato salad was outlined.

I love potato salad, and the version I’m used to is pretty typical southern American- it centers around mayo, egg, mustard, and bacon, with any allium flavors coming from various powders. This, however was new; it involved a few techniques I’d never encountered mentioned as though standard, like salting crisp vegetables and letting them sit for awhile, and the major vegetable ingredients were onion and cucumber, which was entirely new to me. This lodged in my brain for awhile until it occurred to me in passing that cucumber gets along very well with yogurty sauces in Greek and Indian cooking, at which point I decided to see how it all played out. If you’re nodding your head in agreement at the notion, this is about how it all played out:

1. Quarter out an onion, set three of the quarters aside for some later and inevitable onion-requiring meal, and either chop or thinly slice the last quarter. Place in the bowl you plan to use for the eventual complete potato salad and treat to a quarter-teaspoon of salt. Toss to make sure all of the onion is salted and set aside.

2. Take two baking potatoes, wrap them in plastic wrap, and pop them into the microwave for four minutes. When the four minutes are up, turn and let ‘er run for another four.

3. While the potatoes are being nuked, wash the onions. This is a fair bit easier with thin slices, but I think the finer chop works out better in the end; either way, which may require a sieve, strain off the water and squeeze to get more moisture out. Once this is done, sprinkle the onions lightly with sugar, give them a bit of balsamic vinegar, and then put in a bit of milk to help marry everything and make the potatoes go smoother later. Other seasonings may be entertained at this juncture (my source favored a small bit of chicken stock), but I was keeping it basic to see how everything would turn out.

4. When the potatoes are done- check with a fork to make sure they’re soft through- divest them of their plastic wrap and place them in the bowl with the onions and seasonings. Peel and mash them thoroughly (I just used a fork) in the bowl; the retained heat will partially cook the onions and take away their bite. Mash and mix until everything is blended.

5. Return to your cutting board and thinly slice a cucumber. Place the slices in whatever size bowl is needed to hold them comfortably, and introduce half a teaspoon of salt. Gently toss the cucumber slices until you’re fairly sure all of them have been introduced to the salt. Set aside for a few minutes.

6. Check your potato-onion mash; whenever it has mostly lost its residual heat, return to the cucumbers, which should have softened somewhat in the intervening time. Turn the slices into quarters, and add into your larger bowl.

7. Add a two-to-one ratio of mayonnaise and good plain yogurt; I used six tablespoons of mayo to three of yogurt. Sprinkle a generous few grinds of black pepper over the whole thing, and mix until everything is thoroughly combined.

This actually turned out almost exactly how my mind’s tastebuds thought it would, which made me happier than perhaps it should have. It’s not traditional potato salad as most Americans would recognize it, but it’s pretty damn tasty; I thought I would need to add more salt, but what was left on the cucumber provided enough that the final product is pretty much “salt and pepper each serving to individual eater’s taste”. If I were doing it again, I think I’d add a sliced-up hardboiled egg (which I would have this time if I hadn’t screwed up some mental math and softboiled the egg instead- Kang got a treat), and I think I’d make the mayo-to-yogurt ratio half and half instead. I used the same mix I do for egg salad, but the cucumber would have made more yogurt more welcome. Lemon juice, maybe? Paprika? Garlic?