Prep The Volcano Mounted Giant Laser
Irradiated by Stingray
Venturing into the wilds of broadcast TV last night, LabRat and I were engaged in a bit of armchair quarterbacking while watching the CrossFit Games. What with the yanking shit out of our asses about how the athletes could do better considered pontificating about the events this year, we neglected to hit fast forward on the tivo at a commercial break.
This was a mistake.
Some typically saccharine blather starts up, explaining the happy life some couple is about to have together. The money quote, pardon the pun, comes in fairly early: “And they never fight about money because they found some retirement guys who work on salary, not commission, and got some straight advice and answers.”
Holy fuck it’s like they read my goddamn mind if I had been deprived of oxygen for six hours and hit with a lead pipe for four! Salary instead of commission?! Sweet merciful jesus-tits, that’s exactly the answer! How could you not want some schlub who makes the same coin at the end of the day whether he doubled your account value or lost everything? That’s exactly the lack of motivation I want in the folks running my money. Commission? Pfff. I don’t see how that could possibly motivate better service. I mean, that would be like giving the guy more money the better the job he did, and that couldn’t work.
Listen up, TD Ameritrade. You’re on fucking notice. StingrayTrade doesn’t do this sad-sack meh-good-enough salary bullshit. StingrayTrade wants the account, and wants to run it like woah, because, and this is the crazy part, the more money your account makes, the more money StingrayTrade makes, and StingrayTrade is very interested in making money. They even released a sequel advertisement:
“This is Carl and Sally. They’re not wishy-washy clownshoes like Karen and Jeremiah over at Ameritrade, those fucking schlubs who just bumble through life with the glassy-eyed focus of a tranqed duogong. Carl and Sally know what they want, and they want more money than God.
Ameritrade is bragging about how their planners are on salary. Think about all the wonderful things that have come from salaried employees, like the DMV, or the attitudes of convenience store clerks.
At StingrayTrade, we keep our staff on commission, so the more you make, the more they make. And we specially screen our employees to find people so greedy that even Scrooge McDuck thinks they’re going a little far. We want to make money. Some of us even get a sexual thrill out of making money.
This is Carl and Sally. This is Bruce, their StingrayTrade rep. This is Betsy, Bruce’s stabbin’ knife. Betsy is responsible for some really killer deals, and so Carl and Sally’s net worth has gone up 327% just this quarter. And if the Securities Exchange Commission knows what’s good for it, and for its sweet little daughter, they’ll just keep right on looking the other way.
This is Carl, Sally, Bruce, Betsy, and the new security goon they hired, Vinnie. And these are Karen and Jeremiah’s thumbs, because they couldn’t afford to keep them once StingrayTrade decided there was profit to be had involving them.
Crush your enemies. See them driven before you. Hear the lamentations of their women, and then buy a couple senators just to rub it in. StingrayTrade. We want to make some fuckin’ money.”
I swear, one more non-threatening, soft-sell “Wouldn’t it be nice if everybody were nice” financial firm ad and I’m going to start recruiting out of white collar (and a few regular ones for good measure) prisons and incorporate.
October 19th, 2012 at 3:05 am
The perceived problem (dunno if it’s real enough of a concern, or not) is that the commission route ends up with guys getting a commission of whatever you buy, and getting kickbacks from companies wanting you to push their stock.
October 19th, 2012 at 5:09 am
I think you are confused about how commissions work in the industry.
For most brokerages, the sales staff get paid commissions for more churn, since the brokerage only makes money when they sell or buy stocks.
Commissioned brokers do not work for you, they work foe the brokerage.
Now a money manager that was paid a commission based on how much money he makes is an entirely different story. But not one that has anything to do with brokerage employees.
October 19th, 2012 at 8:13 am
Even if a money manager makes their commission based on how much the portfolio increases in value, unless you actually take money away from the manager when your portfolio drops, you’ve still got a conflict of interest in terms of how much downside risk you want.
October 19th, 2012 at 4:02 pm
Fnord: There ya go.
If the money manager loses money, he needs to sell a Kidney to some rich foreigner to make up the difference.
October 19th, 2012 at 4:12 pm
Have you considered a relationship with Wu-Tang Financial?
October 19th, 2012 at 4:14 pm
I’m gonna take up a collection, just to produce “one more non-threatening, soft-sell ‘Wouldn’t it be nice if everybody were nice’ financial firm ad”. ‘Cause I want to live in a world where the promised consequence actually happens.
Who’s with me?
October 19th, 2012 at 5:29 pm
While Matt’s solicitation @ 4:14 is tempting, I gotta say that I think an investment philosophy of, “We’ll burn down your barn if we see a profit to be made in the fresh grilled livestock steaks and chops market!” may entail a degree of short-to-medium term risk most people* would have a less than positive response to. Not to say unenthusiastic, you understand …
* Your neighbors, relatives, fellow gun owners generally, granola-gumming hippies, etc.
October 20th, 2012 at 2:05 am
I would chip in for a Kickstarter to buy Stingray a Giant Volcano-Mounted Laser. There’s hours of amusement right there, a few laser-cooked sacred cows, and the odd vaporized telemarketer.
What? It’s an investment.
October 20th, 2012 at 4:39 am
I can here the voiceover in my mind even now-”Call 1-800-STINGRAY today to set up your account. I can get a cell phone in here. I can get anything I want in here.”
October 20th, 2012 at 4:40 am
“Here”? Me stupid.
October 20th, 2012 at 4:17 pm
I suppose that giant laser can be powered by disposable nuclear reactors …
October 20th, 2012 at 4:34 pm
Matt is correct, THEY get paid even if you lose your ass, and then it’s YOUR fault… I’ve got my money in brass and lead. Just sayin…
October 21st, 2012 at 6:37 am
Hey Stingray- shoot me an email to: [email protected]. I’ve got something for you, via the Ambulance Driver.
October 22nd, 2012 at 2:59 pm
I’m with Ian; gods forgive me but I want to see the laser.
October 23rd, 2012 at 9:11 pm
[...] built giant lasers yet, either. But we have no objections to throwing money in that direction. We like giant lasers. Who doesn’t like giant [...]