Gravitas
Irradiated by Stingray
Idly wasting my afternoon, my inbox announced the arrival of a new email. On inspection, it was from our pet gunsmith, Spear. This is a person to whom I speak on the internet quite literally every day. He has been, and remains a welcome guest here at the Nerd Ranch. The relationship is not exactly the sort of professional level arrangement you would find between two opposing lawyers. Thus, when I read:
Mr. S. Ray
This email is just to double check and confirm the work I have to do for you.
First will be a complete refinish on the previously duracoated CZ-75.
Secondly will be installing a new safety and a complete trigger/action job on the springfield 1911.
If there is something I omitted or if there is something else you’d like done, please let me know.
Thank you
Spear
…I was a tad curious. Obviously, there is only one appropriate way to respond. So I did.
Sr. Percival Jose Chucklenuts Jr., esq.,
Your lurid prose inducing quite profound tumescence in certain portions of the anatomy notwithstanding, I find your catalog of charges accurate and correct.
After some period of omphaloskepsis while considering your missive (that I assure you most certainly did at no point involve any quantity of lubricating solution or absorbent paper products), I have reached the conclusion that I do indeed wish to press further upon your talents and impose addendums in the pursuit of ensuring my role as baddest motherfucker with two swinging nuts and a hog like a length of pipe.
Primarily, with regards to the 1911, provenanced of the fine Springfield Manufacturing Concern, I desire most thoroughly that the nether regions of the device receive chamfering in order to facilitate the insertion of magazines- verily, bevel the magazine well so I can mag-fuck the donkeypiss of the device.
Additionally, I would have you ramp the barrel to encourage the proper feeding of ammunition of more modern design, such as bullets with what is called a “hollow point.” My desire is that should a gentleman of differing morality engage in a debate with such bawdiness as is common in Those People, that I should be capable of punching as many fist sized fuckholes in the shitheel as fast as I can pull the trigger on that bitch.
My sincere thanks for your communication are of course included.
Sincerely,
Monsignor Commissioner Herr Jinglehopper the 13th
August 17th, 2012 at 4:00 pm
If I could have sex with an email, it would be this one.
August 17th, 2012 at 4:10 pm
OMG! There is something delightfully wrong with you. I’m crying, seriously.
August 17th, 2012 at 7:06 pm
You, sir, are my hero. Had you male progeny, I would gladly offer the hand of my daughter to bond our two bloodlines.
August 17th, 2012 at 8:38 pm
As Gunsmith Bob would say: “You find out who your friends are. You really do.”
(Or, alternatively: “The Gatling’s jammed, the Colonel’s dead, and here I am, surrounded by howling savages…”
)
August 18th, 2012 at 12:54 am
I notice you didn’t use your full name. And “Jinglehopper” sounds a bit MLP-ish. But Erin don’t mind, I guess.
August 18th, 2012 at 5:56 am
That is hilarious. Makes me miss the old VC even more.
August 18th, 2012 at 6:15 am
Ah yes, only a ‘proper’ response would do!
Well done SR! And I’m sure Spear’s response was “That Asshole!”… 
August 18th, 2012 at 8:49 am
Off topic:
New New Orleans roller derby event:
http://www.dailypress.com/entertainment/dp-fea-rolling-bulls-best-bet-0817-20120817,0,7925074.story
August 18th, 2012 at 1:09 pm
Mr S.Ray, are you perchance familiar with the writings of a Mr Ben Thompson? Because your inventive command of invective bears a certain resemblance to his.
Plus, I now need to wipe down my keyboard, monitor and desk.
August 18th, 2012 at 4:57 pm
Thank you…just thank your for the awesome posts from you and Labrat. And for this one specifically because it was frakkin beautiful.
August 19th, 2012 at 5:57 am
Masterful!!!
August 19th, 2012 at 12:39 pm
This email is probably a result of a lot of ribbing that I’ve been giving Spear about how neither one of us had been keeping good track of our accounts with each other. We trust each other’s intentions completely, yet it is our memories that are in question. So I said, “You know, we should probably nail down in an email where we think we are in these multiple projects that we’ve got going.” So he sent me such an email, too, and I was glad of it.
Frankly, I’ve no idea if such business communications will assure if he gets more money or less, but we both know how much he gets, and that should be worth something.
Now, I’m going to go print off this message, and stuff it down my pants. The result to occur naturally.
August 22nd, 2012 at 1:22 pm
Just this:
“mag-fuck”
I now have a new addition to the working vocabulary. Thank you, Master Ray.
August 22nd, 2012 at 4:04 pm
Be sure to clean those magazines after you have a good mag-fuck.