Modern Gaslighting
Irradiated by Stingray
Warning: Jargon heavy modernized psychological “fiction” follows below the break.
“*TWEEEEEEEET* ORANGE! 123! ELBOWS, MAJOR!” She skated on, despite the fact that while all ten girls had been in a writhing mass, I witnessed her hook an elbow into Green 456 like a bad back-alley abortion doctor. The pack spread out a bit, and she dropped a few feet back, smirked, and gave a playful “Come at me, bro” type gesture as had previously occurred in practices as friendly giving of shit. “*TWEEEET* Orange 123! Insubordination, major!”
Her look darkened, but she exited the track. I blinked, somewhat confused, and tried to continue watching the rest of the rapidly spreading pack, trying to determine what constituted a bridge instead of a split or no pack situation. What was the problem? She had even made the hand signal for insubordination, how was that not a hint for “Here, have something else to practice calling”? The jam ended, and she left the “penalty box” and grabbed Green 456 and skated over to me.
“Ok, we should go over this one ’cause I’m confused. Now be honest did I get a good elbow whack on you?”
“Goodness no,” replied Ms. 456. “I was busy committing a major track cut,”
“And I just swung my hips gracefully around you.”
“Exactly. And then while the pack was spreading we exchanged handmade cards expressing our feelings; I thought your thanking me for the track cut very gracious and sweet.”
“You’re too kind. I’m devilishly impressed with your dexterity in making the cutouts while still skating. So no there were no elbows, that was bullshit, and the insubordination was because I didn’t understand WTF was going on when nothing had happened.”
“But…” I began to protest, “You reached forward and then swung back on her like she was trying to steal your beer!”
“Well yes, my elbows were moving for balance while I maneuvered my hips, but as she confirms it certainly wasn’t a shot. And if the skater doesn’t leave the track you’re supposed to repeat the call before the insubordination call.”
“But you… I … I thought… Fuck, look over there! That girl is murdering another one with an axe because of a… I don’t know, sounds like forearm major that wasn’t called? There’s bits of brain and shit everywhere. I mean points for getting through the helmet, but should someone call the cops?”
The strangely blood-free victim appeared next to me.
“Hey. What’s this pow-wow about?”
“Now you just wait a goddamn- ”
“Hey, Ref! You gonna join us in the middle or what?” called a fellow zebra.
“I… but you… and… but… yeah, I’m coming.”
What the sweet blistering bumblefuck have I gotten myself into?
July 16th, 2012 at 11:10 am
What the sweet blistering bumblefuck have I gotten myself into?
That is the derby I know and love!
July 16th, 2012 at 4:17 pm
LOL, I’m just gonna sit over here in the corner and laugh…
July 17th, 2012 at 12:20 am
Into the wrong mushrooms for that pre-skate snack from the available evidence.
July 17th, 2012 at 11:46 am
Damn… I didn’t understand enough of the parts to understand the whole.
July 17th, 2012 at 12:03 pm
When I come crash your place, I’m scheduling it for a derby night, when Stingray’s a zebra. Even despite my almost perfect ignorance (it’s stunning how blissfully ignorant I’ve permitted myself to be, despite yours and ‘Rat’s gentle explanations), this sounds like a good time. Sports only matter to me when the play is fantastic, or when the story is great and immediately graspable, or, best of all, when I know the players.
July 17th, 2012 at 4:14 pm
Matt- that in a nutshell is why we’re doing this. There’s a tremendous sense of fun to the whole affair.
July 18th, 2012 at 3:35 am
Of course they are supposed to screw with the refs.
Smile and tell them that the explanation was very inventive.
July 20th, 2012 at 5:02 am
Labrat, I’m VERY happy to hear that you’re having fun with it, and that Stingray is jumping in as well (in one way or another). Sounds like you found a Good League. We had issues with that, which is why MrsZ/DF transferred leagues and drives an extra 60 miles twice a week for practices.
July 20th, 2012 at 5:08 pm
Yeah, I think we did. A big part of it is just that we’re very small, which discourages things like pointless rivalries, but an equally big part of it is that our tiny little group is just about entirely good-humored, good-natured people who enjoy each others’ success and just want to see the league work.