How 2 Alcohol Poisoning
Irradiated by Stingray
So we recently had a couple hours to kill in $NotHomeTown, and opted to take in a flick. A passel of unruly kids were in line ahead of us for tickets and headed for “Brave,” which gave us the advance warning that we should not go see the same thing, and opted for Plan B of “Snow White and the Huntsman.”
A) Do not see Snow White and the Huntsman. The problems with it are legion, but a few of the more glaring include the fact that character decisions make less in-context sense than even the ones in Prometheus, someone told Chris Hemsworth to be out of breath in every single scene, that vacant wooden plank from “Twilight” does indeed only have one facial expression regardless of what is happening… I could go on about how bad this movie is for quite a while, and may do so later*. More importantly, however, were the trailers in front of this dreck, which brings me to….
B) Katy Perry’s Big Fat Katy Perry Movie That Has Some Forgettable Title. And here we find the tie-in to the post title. The rules of this game are simple: Drink a shot every time the word “dream” is used during the trailer. Wait half an hour for the alcohol to get a good run into your blood stream, and go to the hospital because you just drank an entire handle of booze of choice in the span of a movie trailer. Thank you, Ms. Blue-hair McJiggletits**, I believe I’ve got the point that you reached for the stars and yada yada yada. Now please go away and/or consult a fucking thesaurus because dream dream dream dream dream dream dream dream dream dream dream dream dream dream dream dream dream dream dream dream dream oh look the word no longer has meaning through excessive repetition.
*Ms. Theron’s entire instruction seems to have been “See that scenery? Chew it until Shatner looks understated.” And verily she chewed like a beaver on meth and was the best part of the film.
**I realize blue-hairs are normally more of the saggy than jiggly in the boob-al department, but here we are. They are, in her defense, very nice. The rest of her, we’d be better off without.
July 4th, 2012 at 12:37 pm
Dream? Dream, dream dream dream. Dream dream dream dream; dream dream dreamdream.
Now I’m off to find some smurfing smurfberries; happy fourth!
July 4th, 2012 at 2:27 pm
PLEASE write a very detailed, harsh criticism of Snow White. One of my sisters is convinced that it’s an awesome movie.
July 4th, 2012 at 3:53 pm
I am convinced that the antichrist will be the unholy spawn of the union of Kristin Stewart and Hayden Christiansen.
July 4th, 2012 at 6:12 pm
So, it’s a dweam within a dweam?
July 4th, 2012 at 7:08 pm
Always, always, always take tranquilizers and a blow gun to the theater. That way, you can see Brave. And great Trailers like Wreck It Ralph.
July 4th, 2012 at 9:04 pm
http://olegvolk.net/blog/2012/06/30/two-movies-in-one-day/
Watched both. Show White - FAIL, Brave - VERY GOOD.
July 5th, 2012 at 2:04 pm
I do beleive that “chew scenery like a beaver on meth*” to be a time honored trade secret of the experienced actor who realizes their current project will be a massive flop. Witness Raul Julia’s supermassive large ham performance in “Street Fighter”, or Jeremy Irons in pretty much anything not good.
*maybe not that exact wording
July 6th, 2012 at 3:31 pm
FarmGirl tells me that Brave gets serious props for showing hypersensitivity to the accurate depictions of equine behavior and noises.
And she should know.
I’m in for that one.
July 6th, 2012 at 4:14 pm
I really want to see it, I just want to see it in 2D. Apparently 3D does it no favors.
July 11th, 2012 at 11:47 am
1) Tell us how you really feel.
2) Is the post title missing a word?