Easter Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!
Irradiated by Stingray
You there, step right up! Are you a parent upset at the cancellation of the easter egg hunt because that peroxide cunt with the Ford Suburban Subdivision kneecapped you before you could shank that snobby fuck from up the road and get your precious little Johnny Fuckaccident an egg rather than risk him doing it on his own and not finding one?
Holy shit are you in luck, Sparkles!
That’s right, this Easter Sunday! Sunday! Sunday! it’s Uncle Stingray’s all-adult egg hunt! Just sign this pain waiver that I totally did not rip off because Offdenson could kick my ass in his sleep and makes Ken at Popehat cry in the courtroom on a regular basis and step right up.
Here’s the rules, skippy. You wear eye protection, you wear a mouth guard, you find eggs. There’s 200 of them hidden about this field which may or may not also contain explosives, mines, booby traps, venomous snakes, and Justin Bieber. You want more pads? Well hey, maybe you’re not quite as dumb as Sally from the tennis club after all. Good thinking but that’s on you and I don’t really give a shit if you go in dressed in full medieval plate armor, but you get 30 minutes and at the end the top three people who can make it back to the entrance with the most eggs will win Fabulous Prizes(TM).
No, dipshit, I did not say whoever collects the most. Clean the Just For Men out of your fuckin’ ears and try using them for something other than your mistress to hold on to while your frigid wife cooks the books on her etsy shop. I said whoever makes it back with the most wins. Bonus prize if anybody finds and can craft a more lifelike puppet out of Bieber, and points are available for artistic style.
For the low low low entrance fee of $25 plus a small (large) surcharge to cover legal fees for the pain waver, you can get in there and get your spoiled little uterine dumpling all the Easter eggs they were denied by those uppity fucks who canceled the big egg hunt saying you over-obsessive pussyslimes were ruining things for people who have more personality and parental skill than a dead aardvark with gonorrhea! No kids in this, so when you grab that egg you can do so with the self-righteous justification that it’s FOR MY CHILD and shove that golf club so far up Dave’s ass if he even makes a move to that purple-speckled ovoid by the trip wire he’ll have to putt out before he can say good morning!
Break out the fire hoses and party hats folks, it’s Uncle Stingray’s First Annual Easter Egg Helicopter Hunt!
(h/t Salamander)
March 27th, 2012 at 11:38 am
I’d like to volunteer to help run this event. I don’t mind doing menial, repetitive tasks like triggering and replacing the directional mines facing in from the exit every time it looks like one of the participants is about to escape. I mean, it’s for the children.
From the article:
WHAT.
My personal and professional boundaries, let me show you them. If you bring your mommy to the office to “chat” with me because I wouldn’t let you use gets(3) in your internet-facing application, I may become irate. Here I’d naively expected that getting out of academentia would keep me away from Precious Snowflakes and their micromanagerial parents. Please don’t shatter my dream.
March 27th, 2012 at 11:42 am
“Mr. Object, why is the reference from your previous employer so unfavorable, but the rest so glowing?”
“I walked out the door and never looked back when they announced Take Your Parent To Work day, and people actually did.”
“When can you start?”
March 27th, 2012 at 1:51 pm
Sign me up.
I don’t want to find any eggs. I just want to wander the battle…er egg field in a G-string, colander mask and wood-splitting maul.
Check’s in the mail.
March 27th, 2012 at 2:36 pm
I’d just like to note that I deeply, truly, madly appreciate the juxtaposition of this thread with the previous.
“etsy shop.” har!
March 27th, 2012 at 5:13 pm
As somebody who had to cater to parents like that, at events for children like that, I want to thank you. In fact, on behalf of every museum worker ever stationed at an early childhood event for ANYTHING, I want to thank you.
I would also like to take a turn on the field with caltrops, several angry geese, steel capped boots and one of those pipes from Rothschild’s Sewage and Septic Sucking Service. (not my)TM
March 27th, 2012 at 8:26 pm
I’ll volunteer to be Blunt’s backup… Just give me a hill within 750 yards to set up on
March 27th, 2012 at 9:50 pm
I’ll spot for you NFO.
March 27th, 2012 at 11:57 pm
Loading faction grade nuclear missiles in the Arbalest heavy assault launchers …
You do have your own bunker, Stingray?
That field is a kinda small target at 50 kms … fucking atmosphere …
March 28th, 2012 at 8:03 am
I learn so much from this blog…
March 28th, 2012 at 11:35 am
OOOOH, another internet spaceships player!
HAM DRAKE BEST DRAKE!