Atomic Nerds

So LabRat and Patrick at Popehat are offering advice on how to survive the coming onslaught of slaughter-happy psychos who come out of the woodwork each Halloween. No advice is given, however, for the hardest working people of the season, the slaughter-happy psychos themselves. It’s long past time to fix that hideous oversight. Some of these, I admit, are similar to points raised in “Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon“, but that is entirely because a) you need to watch that movie, b) they’re very true and accurate, and c) I’m lazy. On with the list.

1. Proper Prior Planning Prevents Piss Poor Performance

While this is a general truism, it is especially applicable to the ambitious psycho. Sharpen your knives! Make sure the handle on your scythe is secure! Is that rust on your crowbar? When was the last time you replaced the trauma plate in your Kevlar vest? Is your getaway vehicle (if applicable) in good repair? Did you remember to pay your dues with the local demon’s union? Make sure you have enough pillows to make it look like “they’re just sleeping” before you need to, and keep those single-purpose pillows somewhere safe. You don’t want to slaughter Brad and Bambi and then discover that half of your body-pillows migrated downstairs, and excuse me could I just borrow that for a moment? Likewise, make sure the ceiling you’re attaching the eviscerated corpse to can actually hold the weight. Attention to detail can mean the difference between becoming the terror of legends, and being chalked up only as a footnote.

2. Cheat.

Now that you know your equipment is going to work, make sure your victims’ equipment won’t. This may seem obvious, but if you leave a perfectly good machete in the house you’re going to be stalking through, don’t be surprised when you find out it’s your blood on the wall instead of Tiffani Amber’s. Dull the knives. Put dead batteries in the flashlight. Booby-trap the tool shed before you lock it, and sabotage each and every tool in it (but do try to be subtle). Got a gas can around? Fill it with water. Or better, fill it with something that will render unconscious the ambitious one trying to burn you out.

3. Gravity is a harsh mistress.

Plummeting is a terrifying experience, and can be very helpful in wounding your prey. A twisted ankle means you don’t have to do as much running, and a broken leg can be an exceptional torture mechanism. That said, take care you don’t wind up falling yourself. If possible, add features that can act as safety rails without being obvious. A “tool storage” rack in the loft up in the barn will pass right through the panicked eyes of your victims (literally, if you arrange things properly), but holding on as they scramble towards the part of the loft you partly sawed through can keep you in the chase if you miss your footing.

4. Know your turf.

Sure, you may have your victim terrified and screaming as they run through the cornfield or apple orchard, but what happens when you find the gopher hole in row 48 the hard way? Put in the effort. You’re going to be doing this in the dark, without a light, you’d damn well better know every inch of the area you’ll be using.

5. Resource management.

It takes a lot of effort to pull off the “I’m just walking but I’m still gaining on you while you run” trick. It’s a great trick and scares the hell out of people, but if nobody in the group you’re working on is going to survive the night anyway, they won’t be able to tell anyone how scary it was. Run ‘em down, gut ‘em, and save the energy-intensive scare tactics till a survivor will be able to tell the tale.

6. Grip

Blood is slippery. How are you going to hang on long enough to rip Jamie’s implants out if her freshly-waxed leg slips right through your hand? Keep some paper or regular towels in your pockets. You don’t have to go all OCD and sanitize between kills (unless that’s your thing), but make sure you can get a grip.

7. Everything is a weapon.

You may have rendered everything in the tool shed useless according to item #2 up there, but your victims will have enough adrenaline pumping through them to reanimate Frankenstein’s monster without the electricity. Stay on guard, there could be a sofa coming through that second story window, or that copy of the tax code in the library could put a serious dent in your skull. By the same token, don’t be afraid to get creative yourself. It really freaks people out to see a corpse with a stuffed Eeyore stuck in their throat and Piglet emerging from their ass.

8. Leave the pet alone.

There’s more blood in a goat anyway, and you can eat it when you’re done.

9. Why vote for the lesser evil?

This ties in with #2. That big dusty tome that looks like it’s bound with skin? I bet it has some good tips on removing bones from limbs before the subject expires from blood loss. What’s the worst that can happen, you go insane? That really ups the creativity when committing atrocities, and who knows, do it right and maybe you can end not only that pack of teenagers, but the whole world in the bargain. Work according to plan, but don’t be afraid to over-achieve.

10. Resurrection

Don’t slack off and assume you’ll be taken to the nearest local morgue. If you get a big enough body count, you could find yourself in the next town over, or maybe the close one you planned on was just full. Defying death is meaningless if you rise dramatically, look around, and wander into Human Resources instead of the exit because you’re not where you expected to be. (If this does happen, at least be courteous about it and slaughter anyone you find on the way out. Nobody likes HR anyway.)

Obviously this list isn’t comprehensive, and assumes you’ve already done your planning to arrange a good group of victims to work with. Don’t forget some sort of fire-proofing in your costume, and remember to at least get a good look at Bambi’s tits before you off her and Brad. You have to take time to enjoy the perqs. Or is that perks in this case? Besides, how else would you know she’s a filthy whore and must be cleansed? Other than the hours of surveillance video, of course. At any rate, stay safe, make sure you use the entire intestine when decorating, and remember that a spine will still be where you left it if you have to chase somebody down (unless you’re going to kill the one you’re chasing with it, in which case consider removing the head from the top first). Happy hunting!

Posted Arms races, japery |