Atomic Nerds

Electorate: “It’s broken! Fix it!”

Politicians: “If we fix it, will you like us a lot?”

Electorate: “YES!”

Candidate Foo: “I will fix it!”

Candidate Bar: “I will fix it too!”

Candidate Foo: “I will fix it so expansively it will blow your goddamn minds.”

Candidate Bar: “I’ll fix it more conservatively.”

Electorate: “It’s really broken. Foo, get in there with all your teammates and fix it a lot.”

Government: “Good news everybody. We’re going to put everything aside so we can work on fixing this.”

Electorate: “Eh? But nobody has a job and everybody’s defaulting on everything and shouldn’t you- oh, never mind, just fix it.”

Government: “How shall we fix it?”

Electorate: “That’s not our job, it’s yours. FIX IT ALREADY.”

Government: “We will ask everyone we know in the relevant fields how to fix it.”

Thing One: “Our industry is vital to handling this issue and we will give you lots of money if you let us help you fix it.”

Thing Two: “Our industry is vital to protecting Americans from abuse by Thing One. You must also let us help you fix it.”

Cat in the Hat: “If you don’t let us brush all of these fix categories off the table we will never give you mind-bogglingly absurd sums of money ever again. Also we’ll sue.”

Government: “Woah. I’d better listen to all of you then.”

Minority party: “WE HATE THIS.”

Majority party: “STFU YOU LOST.”

Minority party: “WE’RE STILL PART OF GOVERNMENT.”

Majority party: “DON’T NEED YOU!”

Large chunk of majority party: “Um, if we do this we’ll lose our jobs this fall. We like our jobs.”

Majority party: “Fuck.”

*time passes*

Electorate: “What the hell have you been doing for the last several months? How are you going to fix it? How much is it going to cost? When do I get my pony?”

Majority party: “We’re totally going to fix it- you’re going to love it, it made the Cat, Thing One, and Thing Two really happy- but a bunch of unpatriotic racists in Congress are stopping us.”

Electorate: “You have a big majority. Also I’ve never much cared for any of those guys and I don’t trust them. Or you for that matter. I thought you said you were going to fix it and it’d make us happy.”

Government: “WE WILL FIX IT AND YOU WILL LIKE US THAT’S WHAT YOU SAID WILL MAKE YOU LIKE US GOD DAMMIT.”

Electorate: “We’re not sure.”

Government: “YOU WILL BE. WE’LL LET YOU KNOW HOW WE FIXED IT ONCE IT PASSES.” *stomps off to Fortress of Solitude*

Electorate: “Fuck.”

Majority leadership: “Help us fix it and we will give you a bucketful of neat stuff to take home so they don’t fire you. Maybe.”

Wavering majority party members: “More.”

Leadership: “FINE.”

Minority party: “WE HATE YOU. AND THIS.”

Majority party: “WE KNOW. GO BACK IN YOUR IDIOT HOLE.”

Wavering majority party members: “I think I have some sort of principle this violates.”

Leadership: “These aren’t the droids you’re looking for. Also you won’t get to sit with us at lunch anymore.”

Process: *repeats until sufficient majority-party yeses are gained*

Government: “THERE WE FIXED IT YOU WILL LOVE US NOW.”

Electorate: “Is that chewing gum? And Elmer’s glue?”

Government: “LET THE LOVE COMMENCE.”

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