Atomic Nerds

For a bit of a trip in the Wayback Machine, I ran across a disturbing news story yesterday. It may have happened back in July, but fortunately this doesn’t hinge on any sort of timetable to find today’s forehead-vein-stimulator. Cast your browsers over yonder and have a quick look.

For our ADD-afflicted audience, the upshot is a teacher apparently clicked on “Naked sexy fuck time” instead of “Class Trip” when putting together a DVD of the year’s activities and sent the disc home with a bunch of 5th graders. How exactly she managed something so profoundly weapons-grade stupid, and whether that sort of stunning intellect should be in charge of bringing the next generation through the indoctrination education system is a very good question, but it still remains that it was a legitimate mistake, despite being dumber than trusting a Chicago politician. People fuck up, it happens, do what you can to make it right, and move on. She wasn’t fucking the kids, so far as the story is presented it was just some consenting adults on film. No big whoop. No, today’s WTF comes from the parents in this little episode of Hot For Teacher.

First up, we have this little excerpt describing what happened after the DVD cut from “The wheels on the bus” to “Bow-chicka:”

“We were up till midnight doing the ‘birds and the bees,'” he added.

Not having any kids of my own, I’m of course better qualified to tell this guy how to do his job as a dad than he is. But I will note that I got the school approved version, in the classroom and with the filmstrips and everything when I was in fifth grade. My parents not being idiots had already explained the mechanics and such quite a while sooner. For all the wailing and gnashing of teeth about younger and younger kids getting sex-ed in the schools, how this one managed to miss the bus is quite a conundrum. It gets better though.

Joe doesn’t care if the teacher keeps her job, he’d just like some help from the school.
“Maybe offer some sort of counseling for my children, ask me how my children are doing,” he said. “I want somebody to ask me the kind of questions my kids are asking me.”

COUNSELING?! Look, jackass, unless the video included an albino midget covered in ranch dressing peeing on a pile of stuffed animals while the teacher and a couple other folks used 3′ dildos as light sabers to determine the fisting order, I’m gonna go out on a limb and call counseling a bit of an over-reaction. Two people fucking may be (hopefully) unfamiliar to a fifth grader, but if that’s all it takes to traumatize the little shit that badly, maybe it’s best if you take the fragile little thing out into the woods, and give it a sandwich and best wishes. If you’re an eco-nut and love the wolves and all, maybe rub some tenderizer on it first. It’s certainly appropriate for the parents to be pissed off, and for the school to apologize, which they did, and to put out a proper dvd, which they did, but hand-holding and nose-wiping is not in the list of chores they need to be concerned with in this manner, ESPECIALLY when that hand and that nose is the PARENT’S. As for “I want somebody to ask me the kind of questions my kids are asking me,” the stunning lack of ability to grasp the obvious is, well, stunning. Excuse me, Mr. Crybaby-Pants? YOUR KIDS ARE ASKING YOU THE KIND OF QUESTIONS YOUR KIDS ARE ASKING YOU. On top of that, if the school administration starts asking Joey Wusswuss here how pee-pees and bajingos fit together like his kids presumably are, we have entered into an entirely new level and area of fucked up. To go a step further in thinking this through, fifth grade is not so far back in my memory that it plays as some glossed-over “Yes, this technically happened, here is an approximation of what it most likely was” reel. Had this happened to me at that age, the school intervention necessary would have been threats of discipline if we all didn’t stop cracking jokes about it, not counseling. Ok, maybe a little counseling on account of my fifth grade teacher was not by any stretch of the imagination an attractive woman, but seriously, nothing an episode of “Baywatch” wouldn’t cure.

I feel sorry for the teacher. Obviously that was a huge and humiliating fuckup. I feel sorry for the reasonable parents, who aren’t hand-wringing nancies. The one I feel most sorry for though, is that kid. With a dad like that in the ring, that boy is gonna have some serious issues in the bedroom later in life.

Posted lookey here, media slaves, Ranting |