FFS
Irradiated by LabRat
Introducing a revolutionary breakthrough in exercise JUST FOR GURLZ! THE SHAKE WEIGHT!
Hilarious Shake Weight Exercise for Women - Watch more Funny Videos
This thing is like a sucking black hole of everything stupid that is ever sold to women in the name of fitness and the “delicate sex”. All in one video, we get:
1. THE NEW FASHION IS ARMS! YOU ARE BEING JUDGED ON YOUR ARMS! HOW DEFINED ARE YOUR ARMS? Make sure to prioritize what you do with various body parts based on what’s in season this year, ladies. Next year you can stop worrying about your arms- I have an inside tip that it’s actually your ankles that are up next*. Conveniently not included fact: muscle definition is about ten percent muscle tone and ninety percent bodyfat percentage. Of course, if you have body fat, you’re fucked anyway and will already be spending this bathing suit season on the couch in sweats with a bag of Doritos.
2. The claim that different machines are designed to build different “kinds” of muscle- “long, lean” muscles and “big, bulky” muscles. Sorry ladies, it’s pretty much just the same bundles of fiber and motor neurons, and the length of the muscle depends solely on its attachment points along your bones, not the way you train. (This applies just as much to Biffy Bodybuilder looking for the ideal esoteric dumbbell curl to build “peaky” biceps, by the way.) You notice how they use a man’s back at some machine for this shot? You know why he has big, bulky muscles and the women in the other shots don’t? It’s because he has these lumps of extra tissue between his legs, called testicles, that secrete large amounts of something called testosterone that promotes muscle growth. Moreover, that particular man also no doubt had to train for years building those muscles even though he has a natural anabolic steroid factory dangling in his shorts. I absolutely promise you that should you ever develop Schwartzenegger-grade muscles from accidentally lifting something that is actually heavy, your tears will be more than consoled by the many millions you will be worth to medical and sports science facilities around the world.
3. “Designed specifically for women”. See, the infuriating part here is that this is absolutely true. The problem is that there is absolutely no relevant difference between male and female physiology when it comes to how they should train in order to get a desired result; testosterone changes the maximum muscle fiber recruitment possible and the degree of anabolism in response to training, but otherwise, a man’s muscle and bone and nerves are interchangeable with a woman’s. What makes it designed specifically for women is that it’s as nonthreatening as possible, not heavy (they use the word “heavy” specifically to describe the “bad” bulk-inducing machines) and makes it look as though you shouldn’t have to exert a degree of effort that might break a sweat in order to achieve results.
4. “Based on a completely new workout technique called dynamic inertia”. This is not so much a “technique” as it is “physics”, albeit physics with a mangled delivery. And I’m sure that gymnasts around the world performing planks, bridges, planches, and front levers will be fucking REVOLUTIONIZED to discover there is a way to get effective exercise without actually moving much. On the other hand, all of these things require major effort, and I don’t know about you, but the guy in the pictures for the front lever looks like his muscles are kinda bulky. He must be utilizing the principle incorrectly or something.
5. Okay, look, just because muscles are technically active doesn’t mean they’re doing much, or at least anything that will produce a training adaptation. At any given time that you’re using a given group of muscles to do something, how many motor units are actually recruited and used depends on your previous conditioning, whether or not you have a ton of testosterone circulating in your system, and above all how strenuous what you’re doing is. Technically speaking I activate damn near every muscle in my body in the process of getting out of bed, but for some reason I’ve never seen the Rise and Shine routine touted to give me full body muscle definition. I’ve never touched a “shake weight” and have no idea how hard holding the thing still actually is, but given the thing only weighs two and a half pounds and there are limits to physics, I can’t think it’s that hard. Here’s a hint: if you can hold it straight overhead with one hand and this counts as an “exercise” with the device, it’s probably not going to do anything useful to the big muscle groups in your chest and upper back when you bring it down lower.
Women: if your bodyfat percentage is not the problem and you want something that will really tone and shape your arms, the truth is that you have to do all the same kinds of things as the sniffly little ninety-pound weakling in the Charles Atlas ads in order to do so. Unless you do what those scary-looking female bodybuilders do and stuff yourself full of androgens (it’s not the iron that made them look like men, it’s the testosterone that did it), you’ll get less bulky but still hard and defined muscles- which is, in theory, what you want, right? Take your arms, and then use them in the process of lifting progressively heavier and heavier things, preferably also while using them to lift yourself in various ways. Work yourself up to pushups and pullups, and beyond. Make friends with presses.
This will require you to sweat, which may feel unfeminine. (Although I feel compelled to point out that giving birth often results in sweating as well.) However, it will do what the shakeweight doesn’t, which is work. And if you really want to feel great about yourself and your body, I find being able to actually move yourself and various objects around without male assistance is a much more stable source of self-esteem than how your arms stack up next to Michelle Obama’s.
*What’s depressing is this is plausible. I spent several minutes trying to come up with a body part that it would be outlandish to become the subject of this kind of focus, and couldn’t conceive of anything that wasn’t an internal organ.
August 2nd, 2009 at 5:14 pm
Uuummm ok this is the internet after all so here goes… Six minutes a day + I can provide a much better use for those muscles in that motion configuration. Ok the jokes just write themselves here.
So bucks…same as downtown…
August 2nd, 2009 at 5:14 pm
$20 that is
August 2nd, 2009 at 6:52 pm
Well Jesus H on a pony! You mean I’ve been lifting heavy yucky things and getting all nasty icky sweaty for NO reason?
-
I would love to meet the women who purchased this gem.
August 2nd, 2009 at 6:57 pm
I’m glad I’m not the only one who noticed that, Vinnie.
August 2nd, 2009 at 8:06 pm
What’s your opinion on the nifty neck/jawline-tightener-thingy that I saw advertised on TV while I was getting sweaty lifting REAL weights today?
August 2nd, 2009 at 8:26 pm
Too funny! Just goes to show you there’s a sucker born every minute!
August 2nd, 2009 at 10:31 pm
It will lighten that overburdened wallet by 20 bucks, sure. However, unless your job is shaking aerosol cans obsessively, I can’t see this accomplishing anything useful either.
While we’re picking apart exercise equipment, I’ll note that those fraudulent electronic ab exercisers that were going around a few years ago say “Don’t put these on your forehead” for a reason. Don’t ask me why I know that.
Jim
August 3rd, 2009 at 6:51 am
They’ve picked a good time to run the ads, what with the recent attention given to Michelle Obama’s muscular arms.
There’s also sometime undeniably erotic-looking about that device.
August 3rd, 2009 at 10:53 am
You mean the woman gripping the quivering phallic object in front of her face with the big I’m-gonna-eat-you-all-up grin? That something?
August 3rd, 2009 at 11:19 am
# LabRat Says:
August 3rd, 2009 at 10:53 am
You mean the woman gripping the quivering phallic object in front of her face with the big I’m-gonna-eat-you-all-up grin? That something?
Or it could be the woman rapidly moving her hands up and down the phallic object in front…etc. etc.
*muttering to self*
Don’t be vulgar. Don’t be vulgar. Don’t be vulgar.
August 3rd, 2009 at 12:07 pm
Thank you, I now live in terror of discovering a new infomercial for the revolutionary “Fluff Yourself Fit” system.
August 3rd, 2009 at 12:42 pm
You know, ya’ll ladies don’t do yourselves any favors in this category. I used to be certified through NASM back in college, and I used the money from personal training to supplement my income. Women were my most frequent clients, and I swear to god, the first 4 sessions were spent trying to un-fuck their thought process on how weight loss and calories actually worked.
Now, it’s not just women that are like this, but men were less likely to retain my services, so my sample size isn’t as large. The problem that I encountered was essentially magical thinking: “I want to look hot but not do any work”, or worse “Oprah lost XX pounds doing nothing”.
Of course, the fitness industry is also partially to blame for this, because you don’t see them/us doing anything to dispel the bullcrap “Ab-blaster-tronic” things that get shoved in your face every year. Honestly, the best thing to happen to the “weight loss” industry was “The Biggest Loser”, because it shows people getting results and losing weight by fucking proper diet and legit training. It’s madness, and possibly sparta.
August 3rd, 2009 at 1:01 pm
Caleb: No arguments here. I went pretty much straight to weights when I decided my metabolism needed more help than just being under twenty-five, but I’m not really average.
Men have their own sets of problems with fitness myths, but at least they haven’t been fed the expectation that they can get results without truly working at it. When I was young enough to still see something of value in them, I occasionally bought women’s magazines, and the “moves” to get a “sexy shapely (body part)”… mein gott.
As for Oprah, I actually feel really sorry for the woman, because she’s putting the effort and the dollars and she clearly wants to lose and keep it off, but the people she’s paying for it are peddling the same bullshit.
August 3rd, 2009 at 1:51 pm
Fist time my wife and I saw this we had the TV muted and her first response was “They’re advertising sex toys on TV now??”
Caleb, I know what you mean, I’ve seen the exact same kind of attitude when I taught karate. People, men and women, would come in expecting to be turned into Chuck Norris in two months because they just got done watching “The Karate Kid” and ol’ Mr. Miyagi managed to do it with Danial-san.
Most people are, by nature, lazy and somewhat selfish. They want everything NOW and don’t want to take the time to learn the right way and invest the energy for the results they want.
August 3rd, 2009 at 3:22 pm
Dang I wish I’d known about the wonder exerciser back three years ago. Of course, I’m now twenty pounds away from being able to do chins (not bad for an over 35 y.o. female), but oh, the money and sweat I could have saved!! I may swoon!!
/sarc
But it is fun to out-lift some of the guys. The look on their faces when a 5’2″ female out does them is priceless! Yeah, I got good weight-lifting genes. Sllloooow metabolism, but stout like the proverbial Irish washer woman.
August 3rd, 2009 at 7:17 pm
I found that thing I was talking about in IRC earlier - it’s called the iGallop!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hwocdImA6Z8
August 3rd, 2009 at 7:20 pm
Oh but back to fitness myths - the most common myth that dudes have thrust upon them is the “get HUEG FAST NOW YEAH WOMEN LOVE BIG MUSCLES IN 20 MINUTES FUXXXXX”. Usually some ‘roid-monster in the ads doing a ridiculous number of bench presses or bicep curls.
August 3rd, 2009 at 8:43 pm
I’ve run into this weird “long lean muscle” silliness with friends when I started doing forearm exercises to increase my grip strength and help my shooting.
“If you do that, your forearms will get all muscly!”
“Uh, probably.”
“You should do exercises to help build your grip strength that won’t bulk up the muscles.”
“I don’t think it works that way.”
August 3rd, 2009 at 10:08 pm
I read the comments before I watched the video, but wow, I still didn’t expect it to be that, um, sensual.
Y’know, really prestigious universities have names.
Something I wonder about: outside of the extremely niche area of steroid-enhanced female bodybuilding, where do you actually see women with the dreaded manly muscles? It’s not like you go walking down the street and there are a lot of bulky over-ripped women sadly walking alone. Or, y’know, any. You’d think if it was such a hazard that it would happen to someone.
Also, amen to the last bit. If they’d help me punch and climb and drag and carry things, shit, sign me up for bulky muscles. Who wants a purely ornamental body?
August 4th, 2009 at 7:54 am
The real problem is we don’t like good looking women. Most girls are stuck on this “I need to be waifishly thin and 100 lbs in a soaking wet parka while holding weights in my hands to be hawt!”
Fuck that nonsense, give me a woman with curves and boobs and hips (but I kinda like smaller butts…). If I wanted to date someone with a body of a ten year old boy, I’d date a ten year old boy.
August 4th, 2009 at 8:58 am
Gina Carano is a prime example of a strong, tough woman who still looks like a woman. I read in an article that she got into a bar fight because some dipshit wanted to beat up her boyfriend, so she kicked his ass.
My kind of girl.
August 4th, 2009 at 9:49 am
Jebus … the dumbell has been around for, what, 4000 years?
Buy a pair at the goodwill for a few bucks, and go jogging with them.