Atomic Nerds

Given standard postal travel times between Los Alamos and the capitol in Santa Fe, both senators and my congressman have had ample time to receive and review my previous request. So far, I haven’t even received the standard canned “thank you for contacting us” reply. Thus, it’s time to poke the pig again.

Dear Senator,
As I have not yet received my Letter of Marque and Reprisal to engage in anti-piracy operations in the waters and costal regions of Somalia, I am writing today in hopes of expediting the process. I am well aware that government efficiency is an oxymoron, but streamlining this process is in everybody’s best interest. Clearly, the pirates are not wasting time in their operations, I see little reason to dawdle on this end of things.

Since the standoff between a billion-dollar warship filled with hundreds of well paid, highly trained sailors and a lifeboat with four men with a few rifles finally came to an end, I’m sure you are well aware that the Somali pirates have vowed revenge, and stepped up the tempo of their own operations. Since the U.S. does not posses an equal number of billion-dollar warships to the number of Somali pirate vessels (and because many of the ones we do have are engaged in operations more appropriate to their scale), this is an ideal condition for a small vessel flying the colors of the United States to conduct operations in the interest of securing international shipping. The pirates are already quite angry with us, and I am convinced that spotting any ship flying our flag will draw quite a bit of attention. Normally I’d feel confident that the logical procession from that given is clear, but as you are an elected official, this means that my job will be simplified as the pirates attempt to capture a force already expecting and prepared for them. Simply put, they’ll be sailing into a trap.

Further, since my previous letter, I have received dozens of offers from people volunteering to join my crew. As I have made no attempt to advertise my intentions beyond their initial declaration, this enthusiasm has all been generated by word of mouth. Suffice it to say, once my Letter of Marque arrives, I will be well staffed, and I urge you to consider the positive effects a public appearance with a successful band of pirate-hunters would have on any re-election efforts in your future.

Now, as an elected official, you must be - at least theoretically - concerned with fiscal responsibility. Again, actual practice of this is not a hallmark of current government, but observing formalities tends to smooth operations further down the road. As I noted in my previous letter, there will be no actual cost to the government incurred by my operations, unless of course another tradition that went hand-in-hand with Letters of Marque were involved, the issuance of bounties. Personally, I feel that $20,000 per dead pirate is a fair price, but this is not strictly necessary. Instead, in order to help my operation run at a profit (and thus generate taxable revenue for the treasury - reported as promised to the standards of the Treasury Secretary), I propose an exemption to current BATFE regulations be included in my Letter.

I realize it’s something of a shift to go from notions regarding the destruction of a threat not en vogue for hundreds of years to modern firearm law, but please bear with me. Under current laws and regulations, fully automatic firearms are extremely difficult for an honest citizen to own for any reason. There is tremendous expense involved, and an amount of red tape that is truly staggering. I’m sure you’re busy, Senator, so I’ll spare you all the grisly details, but suffice it to say the only other industry with profit margins as large as the legal transfer of fully automatic weapons is the illegal transfer of narcotics. Consider, merely for an example, that the M-4 Carbine issued to our fighting men and women costs the government approximately $450 per rifle. For a citizen to legally own the same rifle, he or she will pay well in excess of $25,000. As the Somali obviously have tremendously different gun laws, most of the pirates are armed with (among other interesting things) AK-47 pattern rifles, of the fully automatic variety. With the stroke of a pen, my Letter of Marque could authorize me to seize their weapons and sell them as a private individual in the United States. Again, this is a win-win-win situation. There will be fewer pirates preying on US and international shipping interests, earning us good will from all who benefit. The treasury will gain as the taxes paid from the obscene profit margins on seized weapons (not to mention the added value of being the first legitimate “weapons of the high seas” sold to private collectors in over a hundred years) will be non-trivial at best, at least to the scale of a private citizen such as myself, and finally, US citizens will receive an influx of tools essential to any free society, circumventing the unconstitutional closed registry the BATFE maintains on fully automatic firearms.

Senator, I realize that in terms of the overall US budget my efforts will be trivial at best. Given President Obama and his administration’s $1,000,000,000,000 spending plan, the savings garnered by having one or two US Navy ships tasked elsewhere are but a drop in the bucket. Consider, however, that this same administration is quite pleased with itself for cutting $100,000,000 worth of spending- a whopping .0001% cut. How much would it cost to repair a Navy vessel if the pirates get a lucky shot with an RPG and take out some sensitive electronic cluster? What of ongoing maintenance? Saving 100 million dollars is not a difficult task when the assets involved appraise in the billion dollar range. Imagine the boost your re-election campaign would have being able to honestly (even further amazing the electorate) claim that your efforts saved the nation more money single-handed than the entire administration could manage as a collective entity?

In closing, I’m afraid I must point out one more point in which my own qualifications are clearly greater than that of a world-superpower military. In a recent press conference, Admiral Mike Mullen, chairman of the U.S. Joint Chiefs of Staff opined the following: “One of the big challenges, quite frankly, is when we capture pirates, what do you do with them? What criminal court do you take them to? … It’s a very big challenge.” Senator, the proper care and feeding of pirates has been made very well known over the last few hundred years, and if you would like, upon return from a successful anti-pirate cruise I would be happy to demonstrate the proper assembly of rope, pirate, and yardarm to the Admiral.

Sincerely,
Stingray

Posted Arms races, current events |