To The Shores of…. the Somali?
Irradiated by Stingray
A copy of the following (with appropriate obvious modifications to the signature) will go into the mail to senators Jeff Bingaman and Tom Udall on Monday morning.
Dear Senator,
I am writing today to formally request issuance of a Letter of Marque and Reprisal against pirates operating in and around the waters of the African continent. Article one, section eight of the US Constitution enumerates this among the powers of congress, so while Constitutional authority has not thus far been a subject of concern for the current administration, this would actually be within the bounds of what the government is allowed to do. While such letters were banned by the Declaration of Paris in 1856, the United States did not actually sign that treaty, and honors it only as far as a gentleman’s agreement. Clearly, this is not binding, and in the face of having US shipping interests captured and held for ransom by pirates, some response above “tut-tut” is in order. Remember, the last time this situation arose, the US Marine Corps added a rather memorable line to their official hymn- one which kept would-be riff-raff at bay for over 200 years.
As recent events have demonstrated that a modern multi-billion dollar navy is no match for Somali pirates, I feel it is neither out of line nor inaccurate to note that as a private citizen using my own resources, I can perform a task the US Navy is currently failing at for a much greater cost efficiency. To go a step further, such a letter would generate revenue for the currently desperately cash-strapped government coffers, as the proceeds generated by any captured vessels would logically count to my personal taxable income. While I don’t feel it particularly fair to hand over a share of income earned by personally cleaning up after a government agency’s failings, such is the nature of taxation. Naturally, any income generated from anti-piracy operations on the high seas will be diligently reported to the IRS with the same honesty and accuracy as the very Secretary of the Treasury himself. Fair is fair, after all, and I’m sure the economy in the area where seized assets would be processed are quite compliant with the tracking and reporting needs of the IRS.
If you’re still unconvinced, Senator, consider that granting my request would benefit not only US shipping interests, but would also benefit our allies. Just as a rising tide lifts all boats, a decrease in pirates makes shipping easier for everybody. With one simple letter, the US could regain the good will of other nations plagued by these modernized anachronisms. Can you place a dollar value on the thanks of a foreign nation (and if you can, would you be agreeable to deducting that amount from what the IRS will claim I owe)? Tales of Somali pirates terrorizing vessels operating under nearly any flag you care to name have been in the news for quite some time now, and it is within the power of congress to take steps to if not eliminate, at least severely reduce the losses suffered by many countries, and many more private companies.
Finally, consider the risk-to-reward ratio. A Letter of Marque does not grant me any special assistance from the government. It will cost only the price of the stationary on which it is printed, and should I fall victim to the pirates myself, it would be nobody’s fault or responsibility but my own. When I succeed, however, the government will generate revenue, make the seas a safer place, and stop the financial hemorrhage incurred by having US Navy resources operating in the area. How many sailors are drawing a paycheck across how many ships in order to have a staring contest with one small lifeboat? My private operations would be able to save the US literally hundreds of millions of dollars once the cost of the ships and weapons are factored in, and given current government spending practices, every last penny of those savings are desperately needed.
Thank you for your time and consideration, Senator. I look forward to receiving my official Letter as soon as possible, as clearly there is much work to be done.
Sincerely,
Stingray
So, anybody know where I can scare up a crew? It shouldn’t be more than a week or so before I’m covered on paper…
April 10th, 2009 at 5:05 pm
Hey, I don’t know that much about boats, but I learn fairly quickly, know martial arts, and can shoot. And I want money and am not at all afraid to kill murderous bastards without remorse.
April 10th, 2009 at 5:17 pm
If you need cheap, expendable cannon fodder, I’m your man!
April 10th, 2009 at 5:23 pm
Holy crap you are awesome. My 16 foot runabout is at your service captain.
April 10th, 2009 at 5:25 pm
I understand a bit of sailing, enjoy some familiarity with long blades, not a horrid shot, and informal study of piracy/privateering (though classical as opposed to modern) is a hobby. If you have an open berth, let’s talk prize shares.
April 10th, 2009 at 6:18 pm
I have studied the Steven Segal style of shipboard cooking and consider myself to be more than adequate in this pursuit.
April 10th, 2009 at 6:44 pm
If I can have a three-cornered hat (a bandana will do, in a pinch) and a cutlass, I’m in. I used to work at a kayak rental shop and a boat’s a boat, right?
April 10th, 2009 at 7:28 pm
I’m there. Radios and submachine guns - I has them.
And I speak pirate too. Argh!
April 10th, 2009 at 7:41 pm
I see no possible way this could go wrong.
If you need a slow moving yet physically imposing shotgun ninja, I’m in.
April 10th, 2009 at 9:59 pm
I am useful on boats and know which end of the shotgun the pain comes out.
Sign me up!
April 10th, 2009 at 10:12 pm
You’ve got yourself an Interior Coms tech, if you get the letter and a boat we can use. And I’m not shabby with either blades or go-bangs… >:)
April 11th, 2009 at 3:12 am
The German government just put up a pair of Fast Attack boats up for auction. They would be ideal for Anti pirate duty. Put a Twin 50 mount on the bow for attacking the scows the Somali Pirates typically use for boarding cargo ships.
I just have one question: Are you going to to put up videos of hanging of pirates(the traditional method for dealing with them once caught) on Youtube?
April 11th, 2009 at 3:16 am
I’d be happy to red-shirt for you.
April 11th, 2009 at 7:14 am
I saw all three “Pirates of the Caribbean” and am cool on the difference between rules and guidelines, so to speak. Can also shoot and cook.
April 11th, 2009 at 7:45 am
I’m a good shot, but I don’t like the water that much. I’ll be happy to wait in a seaside bungalow to provide, um, other services when needed.
April 11th, 2009 at 8:24 am
Count me in, I am packed and ready to go……….
April 11th, 2009 at 8:31 am
Copyediting: Article one, section eight of the US Constitution enumerates this among the powers of congress, so while Constitutional authority has not thus far been a subject of concern for the current administration, this would actually be within the bounds of what the government is allowed to do.
So, obviously, I’m in. And conveniently, I’m in Albuquerque, so I’m pretty much on the way to the nearest water anyway.
I’m not sure what we’d get from Somali pirates would actually be worth something. I think we’d be best served convincing shipping companies to pay us a stipend as well.
April 11th, 2009 at 9:44 am
The money would be in returning ships boarded by the pirates and returning captured crew to the shipping companies.
April 11th, 2009 at 9:47 am
Even a pirate suppression vessel requires a person to juggle paperwork, order supplies, and generally play book-keeper. Not a bad shot with a pistol, and don’t mind paperwork. Sign me up!
April 11th, 2009 at 10:03 am
Whoops, thanks Perl. I accidentally a whole bottle!
April 11th, 2009 at 11:34 am
Getting a ship back should be worth 10% of the ransom asked.
I’ve seen the pirates boats. Black powder cannon and grape shot should be sufficient.
Modifying an old (small, cheap) freighter into a “Q-ship” wouldn’t be too hard. I’m your engineer.
April 11th, 2009 at 11:37 am
I’d like to volunteer my 26′ Powerquest, 502, fuel injected with 200 gallon tanks. AK’s for all. I’m basically in it to rob the pirates. Who exactly would stop us?
April 11th, 2009 at 11:39 am
We could also introduce the “Naval Community Organizers” to the sport of tubing. Minus the tube. 72 MPH waterboarding?
April 11th, 2009 at 12:29 pm
Can I be ship’s Surgeon? I also cut hair. I’ll be the barber-surgeon. I’ll bring my own leeches.
April 11th, 2009 at 2:06 pm
I am a graduate of the Imperial Stormtrooper Marksmanship Academy. So you probably don’t want me to have any of the guns. But I can sail and I look damn good in a bikini. Count me in.
April 11th, 2009 at 7:44 pm
I can sing a mean sea chanty and I’m never hungover, so I’m in!
April 11th, 2009 at 8:48 pm
I’m handy with an automatic 12 gage and a 50 cal. I went to Okinawa by troopship and from there to ‘Nam by LST and didn’t get seasick once. I know my port from my starboard. That’s gotta count. When do we leave?
April 12th, 2009 at 8:12 am
How dare you suggest such a thing! There would be blood in the water and you would do endless harm the to Pirates, I mean water borne entrepreneurs, self esteem. Not to mention that you and all those who would follow your suggestion have no possibility of winning, all you will do is get in the way of the professionals and confuse matters when they come in to take care of the problem and save you. Besides, all these untrained and unqualified buffoons would do is shoot each other instead of the pirates.
On the other hand, I have a 21′ cabin and a ready to go crew if you need another boat.
April 12th, 2009 at 9:54 am
I’m pretty good on the knife fighting, close range dirty stuff, and I have a Remington 870 I can add to the arsenal plus I was a real sailor for a while.
Let me know when we are shipping out. If you could swing by and pick me up in Alameda, that would be even better
April 12th, 2009 at 10:19 am
I’m decent enough in a fight and I work hard and cook well. I also come with the added benefit of having no real long term commitments so I’m in for the long haul. I’ll just have to send off to canada for some of those Scopalamine patches (I hear they’re better than Dramamine) otherwise I’ll be chumming the waters.
So, three questions:
1) Shares? What’re we talking here?
2) When do we leave?
April 12th, 2009 at 10:32 am
I have offed hundreds of pirates in Warcraft; however I do get seasick. If my WoW experiance and 20year past dated USMC training can be seen to out way seasickness…sign me up.
April 12th, 2009 at 10:45 am
Hmm… Decent shot with rifle -I hit the target every time- and with handguns. I am also damn good radio operator, real damn good at coordinating pronged ‘attacks’ over long range. How else do you think I helped stop more than one multiagency-multijurisdicitonal pursuit? Did I mention I can also cook for large crowds?
April 12th, 2009 at 11:09 am
I can sit on a lawnchair and order the executions of surrendered pirates with aplomb.
My colors don’t run - unless I pay the sedan chair bearers extra.
April 12th, 2009 at 2:46 pm
I’m old but I can shoot, pistols and rifles.
Besides, shares sound far more lucrative than freelance writing!
April 12th, 2009 at 8:45 pm
And will the official sleep uniform still be morale-raising if we all have to wear it?
April 12th, 2009 at 9:18 pm
John- Well, you can let yours out a little if you really insist, but honestly the ruined lines would look worse than just being out of uniform entirely.
April 12th, 2009 at 11:21 pm
I was an EMT, give me six months and I can have my actual certification back, but I still have my trauma skills sharp and handy. I shoot well enough for pirate-whacking, and I don’t get seasick. I’m in!
April 13th, 2009 at 5:35 am
Mechanic, electrician, steam engineer, gun nut and ex-charter captain. Bottom line?
April 13th, 2009 at 7:51 am
Cutlasses! We need cutlasses!
http://www.coldsteel.com/1917cutlass2.html
April 13th, 2009 at 12:56 pm
Arrrrrr!
Sir, that’s what they say. We’re privateers, not pirates.
Private ears? Does that make us some kind of detectives?
Look sir, a ball.
Oooooooooh! Bouncy!
April 13th, 2009 at 3:11 pm
I can stock the arms locker, plus I can say “Arrrr!” in twelve languages.
April 13th, 2009 at 5:41 pm
Count me in. I’ll even fly resupply.
April 14th, 2009 at 4:59 am
Hey guys,
Check your email, please.
April 14th, 2009 at 12:04 pm
You’ll want me there, if only for entertainment value.
April 15th, 2009 at 4:59 am
Captain Stingray Sar!
Delightful idea, and I hope you don’t mind if I pirate it for use with my own US Senators and perhaps induce friends in adjoining states to send similar letters.
Does this mean I have to start drinking Rum again?
April 15th, 2009 at 8:09 pm
I write to warn you that there is competition afoot in the privateering field. My son has started asking his friends what they are doing this summer. So far they are all very interested. Did I also mention they were quite capable, as well?
They demurred on the Letter of Marque, adjudging it a waste of effort to obtain one. They think the law of salvage covers the issue, as there is no actual effort to recover the ships by the owners.Who is there to disturb them if they grab a ship or two from Somali ports and drive them to Kenya for fun and profit?
So if you see a ship heading inland with a crew of sunburned teens on it, sporting a Texas A&M flag, give a friendly wave. They’ll be right back out of port soon enough, and likely will bring whatever pirates are available with them. I’m sure they will share any pirates they find with you.
April 16th, 2009 at 10:58 am
Maryanna, please post a link to your myspace page so we can judge whether you look good in a bikini. Then we can make an informed decision on your…um, recruitment potential. Yea that’s it.
I too am in. I don’t own a sniper rifle, but I figure a 30.06 ought to do the job. And my side-arms have only put holes in paper targets. Seems a shame to waste perfectly good guns. Oh, and I have a pellet/bb gun. The U.S. official policy may be against torture, but my personal policy is all for it.
April 16th, 2009 at 7:31 pm
Reporting for duty, Capt’n Stingray sir!
I’ve got no sea experience, but I’m a fair shot and can keep my wits about me. I’m in!
April 16th, 2009 at 7:36 pm
I get the dogsitting part of the crew. Curse me being too gimpy to help other than useful administrative type things like watching the house and petting the fluffy things.
Though I WAS granted humidor access!
April 23rd, 2009 at 11:00 pm
I would like to volunteer to scrub decks, polish brightwork, and do dishes. In return, I would like the opportunity to occasionally do the fun bits of the job too. I also have a working knowledge of ropes and knots, including how to tie a hangman’s noose.
Also, on the side, we could make extra money by selling t-shirts online and having pay-per-view video of us sinking pirate vessels.
April 30th, 2009 at 1:25 pm
I’m all for the Letter of Marque and Reprisal against pirates as a low cost way of protecting the ships off both coasts of Africa and the straits of Malacca. Still, we have the capability to strike hard and fast at their nests and drive home the point to the other Somalis who support and protect the pirates among them that piracy is not worth their villages and boats being blown to bits. Therefore I gladly volunteer my services to take a squadron of A10 Warthogs down the Somali coast and blow to hell every speedboat and skiff in the water or out.
July 21st, 2009 at 12:24 pm
I have lots of guns, some experience at sea, and lots of enthusiasm. I can cook too.
If we need a ship, I know a man in Pakistan with naval connections. Could help us out with heavy armaments as well.
Sign me up.