Atomic Nerds

Apropos of nothing in particular, the following sprang to my mind. These are the thoughts that kept me out of the really good schools.

With apologies to Dennis Leary, sung to the tune of his song “I’m an Asshole”, I offer the following.

Folks, I’d like to sing a song about the Internet world. About folks who aren’t me, who aren’t you, but are clogging up our tubes. Down in the bottom of our ‘net about the special feeling we get, maybe below the application layer. Maybe in the session layer, or network layer. Hell, maybe even on the wire itself.

They’re just some regular dorks,
with some really lame jobs,
just your average dumb-ass ethernet clods,
They like cheetos and porno and books about war,

They think their rigs are great,
though they’re just commodores.
Their wife left ‘em, their job sucks,
their kids stole a car,
Their feet on the keyboard,
they think they’ll go far!

But sometimes that just ain’t enough
to keep the dolts like them interested

(Oh no, no way, uh-uh)

No they gotta go out and screw up someone else’s e-turf.

(Yeah yeah, yeah yeah)

They’ve ill thought-out screeds that sound really inane,
that drive bloggers and readers stark raving insane

They’re the blog-trolls
(They’re the blog trolls, what a blog troll)
They’re the blog trolls
(They’re the blog trolls, what a blog troll)

They can’t spell for shit, and their grammar is splotchy,
If you call them on their crap then they’ll call you a nazi,

They’re the blog-trolls
(They’re the blog trolls, what a blog troll)
They’re the blog trolls
(They’re just plain dipshit blog-trolls)

In real life they’ve no friends, for obvious reasons,
If they make us mad then they think that makes the world even,

They’re the blog-trolls
(They’re the blog trolls, what a blog troll)
They’re the blog trolls
(They’re the blog trolls, what a blog troll)

Maybe I shouldn’t be typing this screed,
Acknowledging them just seems to give them their feed,
Maybe they bring valid opinions to share…..

Nah.

They’re the blog-trolls
(They’re the blog trolls, what a blog troll)
They’re the blog trolls
(They’re the blog trolls, what a blog troll)

You know what I’m gonna do? I’m gonna get me a whompin’ stick, and a stack of internet tools. A couple of quick tracerts and a few busted kneecaps at the telco offices and hell, I bet those guys there are sick of these fucktards too and will come along with a sack full of doorknobs to help with the ass whuppings.

We’re gonna find these dumbasses that think “lol” is punctuation and that because it’s the internet you don’t have to bother proofreading or even activating the useless and withered stump of ganglia they’re trying to pass off as a brain and can just spew whatever pointless drivel they want all over other people’s blogs just because their mothers were a lousy shot with a coathanger and we’re gonna finish the job.

We’re gonna round all these fuckers up, and we’re gonna put the assholes that call everyone a nazi in with the real fucking nazis and let ‘em just have at each other and I’m gonna put stadium steating up and sell tickets. The old days of the Roman collesuem are going to look like a finger painting class by the time the 9/11 truthers and the homophobes get done tearing through the womynists and mall ninjas and out in the lobby I’m gonna have a kill-your-own-steak stand and

(Hey)

and I’m gonna get Gunkid out of the slammer so he can stomp around the battleground

(Hey!)

like The Humungus until he’s taken down by a pack of screaming catgirls and

(Hey, you know they’re really just lonely losers on the internet ’cause nobody will put up with their shit offline.)

Why don’t you just shut up and help me type the post.

They’re the blog-trolls
(They’re the blog trolls, what a blog troll)
They’re the blog trolls
(They’re the blog trolls, what a blog troll)

B-L-O-G-T-R-O-L-L-S
B-L-O-G-T-R-O-L-L-S

They’re the blog trolls, and they fuckin’ suck.

Posted japery |