Horrible New Species Discovered
Irradiated by LabRat
Via Zooillogix, an expedition to the Greater Mekong River region in southeast Asia has turned up many new species, and nearly all the ones that National Geographic felt it should provide pictures for are terrifying or awesome but more often awesomely terrifying.
Gumprecht’s green pit viper. This bad boy looks even more striking than the emerald tree boa I have on my arm. Nothing of it is mentioned in the article, but I imagine the thing is also outrageously poisonous.
Shocking pink dragon millipede. Yes, that is its real name, and no they didn’t paint it. I’d need at LEAST two adjectives to name something like that, too. The best part? When threatened, it squirts cyanide. This thing was BORN to be on some rock band’s album art. For that matter, along with the green pit viper, maybe it was born to be on someone’s flesh. Is it a taste violation to have more than one green snake tattoo?
It’s a cave spider! A cave spider that’s a fucking foot across!
I’m never going in a cave again. That thing is large enough to LITERALLY attach to my face and lay eggs in my brain.
He looks familiar…
Shit. Has anyone checked on the researchers lately? Fly budget gone way, way up, recently?
December 18th, 2008 at 6:20 pm
That green pit viper is awesome. If I was going to get a snake tattoo, that photo would be it.
And as for toad, the feds have vastly overstated the risks. But remember, when you’re asking “how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Rhode Island State Penitentiary?,” the answer is…and will always be…just one.
December 18th, 2008 at 6:22 pm
That’s two out of three that I’m willing to see put on the Extinct Species List.
December 18th, 2008 at 7:54 pm
Cool looking snake. Wonder if the spider is dangerous, or with a temperament like a tarantula? I’ve handled tarantulas, and they are quite docile to work with. The centipede I’ll pass on. I’ve gotten some nasty bites of small ones; a cyanide spitting one is WAY over the top.
December 18th, 2008 at 8:06 pm
Is it just me — or does that photo show two of the shocking pink centipedes? …And are they getting it on?
[shuddering]
December 18th, 2008 at 10:16 pm
ALL HAIL HYPNOTOAD
December 18th, 2008 at 10:51 pm
Always good to hear of the discovery of new and terrifying new forms of life.
Any mention on how big those Shocking Pink Dragon Millipedes (forget album art, that’s a band name there) are?
December 19th, 2008 at 1:11 am
I’d be happy to give that cave spider a job killing the shit out of the wasps which tend to nest outside my bedroom window. Hell, I’d give her a reputable last name and an immigration visa. (Procreation is probably out of the question, as I’m given to understand that most female spiders kill and eat their consorts shortly thereafter.)
December 19th, 2008 at 9:14 am
That cave spider is more likely to start eating birds …
December 19th, 2008 at 9:52 am
Birds? More like small kids…
December 19th, 2008 at 10:23 am
“That cave spider is more likely to start eating birds …”
“Birds? More like small kids…”
You say that like it’s a bad thing…
December 19th, 2008 at 10:33 am
That’s it! If you can’t play nice and keep your hands to yourself, go play in the cave out back!
December 19th, 2008 at 11:11 am
I had a hard time reconciling the fact that the number one daughter bought a corn snake and had no problem nuking frozen baby mice to feed it. It just seemed so boyish, but now, there’s a designer insect of death that is girlish pink. Wonders will never cease!
December 19th, 2008 at 12:21 pm
I SO want to go there- even though everything is poisonous. Put The Snake Charmer on your Wish List for venomous events on the Burma side of the watershed.
THis article has a link to a big PDF about the discoveries.
December 19th, 2008 at 2:46 pm
Cyanide spitting? A spider a foot across?
Please tell me these scientists called it a day and headed home after finding the ancient space hulk with the oddly disemboweled pilot…
December 19th, 2008 at 3:22 pm
aczarnowski: Just watch out for the Ravagers wandering near the crash site.
December 19th, 2008 at 5:01 pm
It’s amazing how much stranger and more terrifying real life can be than fiction. If I read a fantasy with a throwaway scene where the hero has to deal with pink millipedes that spat cyanide, I’d start wondering which chemical aids the author was using.
For that matter, if they described many ‘normal’ animals from a naive point of view (the orange striped quadruped that can leap 20 feet and then bite off your head instead of ‘tiger’), it would be horrifying and strange enough.
It’s a crazy world.
December 19th, 2008 at 7:11 pm
LabRat/Sting,
Please indulge me. I will try to tie it up into something apropos to Atomic Nerds. Bad genes and three-legged coyotes . . .
I reckon a three-legged coyote is not uncommon in nature. I had one living near my property in Eldorado for a time. I saw him frequently because my neighbor’s two Australian shepherds would go berserk whenever he made an appearance. I put my Ruger 10/22 against the wall for the day I could finally end the nuisance. He came by often because I had a pair of free-range cats. The coyote was looking for lunch. The cats were hunting vermin, and I was gunning for a three-legged dog. The pyramid seemed about right to me.
I had the beast twice in my sights. The first time he had a parked car behind him, and the second time a house. Responsible killer that I am, I deferred for reasons of safety. He got away both times. Then he turned the tables one night and tried to kill me. Fair is fair. I was coming home late one night on I-25 at 75 mph when he crossed the road with a pack of his brothers snapping at his heels. I could have turned the entire congregation into roadkill, but for my own animal brain that took over in a spontaneous moment. I drove through the pack like they were orange cones on an obstacle course. Fahrverneugen! You betcha! I was behind the wheel of a vee-dub GTI crank’n a six-banger! Bitch’n!
Never saw that three-legged coyote again. Until today. Probably not the same coyote. If I believed in the New Age, properly spelled newage because it rhymes with sewage, I might have made a mindless connection. A pair of coyotes showed up on campus today. One of them had three legs. Well, I guess that proves nature is a bitch. Nothing more. Then another coyote made his appearance . . . in the principal’s office. The idiot got busted during class for checking out his stash. Dumb-ass. You are busted.
Oh, yeah, I promised to tie this in somehow to Atomic Nerds. Bad genes and all that. The school has been making an heroic attempt to turn this boy around. That’s what we do despite all the evidence to the contrary. I pronounced him irredeemable from the beginning (in low tones nobody would hear). I know feral when I see it. I don’t claim to have any insight as to why, but I know the condition. The boy proved me right. Are you ready, dear reader? The lad was left alone in the principal’s office for only a moment. What would you do? Huh? The kid snatched his dope back and bolted for the doors. God’s honest truth (not that He ever bothers to look in on us), but I saw the boy loping over the snow like a three-legged coyote making for the hills.
Tragic? Yeah, I guess. Worthy of pity? Yes. I’m not completely heartless. There’s just some shit a school can’t fix. Nature boy lives in a feral world. He might as well have been raised by a pack of coyotes. Nature or nurture? I don’t know. And as a teacher, it’s really not my job to find out. Fight or flight? Poor creature that he is, the boy chose to flee. Nature is a bitch. Feral boys run. Rather . . . simple, I think.
I meant to tie this in somehow . . . to a general thread, but what I really need now is some Jack Daniels. Thank you for indulging me . . . on the topic of zoo-ol-ogy.
December 19th, 2008 at 7:36 pm
It may not be germane to THIS thread, but it most definitely touches on some larger concepts that have been rattling around my head like marbles in a coffee can, about the nature of instinct and culture and the massive degree to which we are not even what you could call human without a deep, multi-year soak in that culture.
Now, whether I can ever turn the goddamn things into a post or not is an open question. *sigh*
December 19th, 2008 at 8:14 pm
Righty, right, then. As long as we are only trading marbles, I would have you as my sister. With permission, of course, from Sting, by definition my brother-in-law. I don’t think it’s asking too much. Strikes me about right. Real is real. We need to binge together again. My turn. My treat. Have you ever enjoyed the Dragon Garden?
December 20th, 2008 at 7:53 am
Saw this on CNN. The spider totally creeps me out!
The SoG
December 20th, 2008 at 3:18 pm
Mark- we definitely need to get back together now that the election’s over. Dragon Garden is a new one on me- I think you showed it to us last time?
We can hash out the spiritual siblinghood over food and drink.
December 21st, 2008 at 11:20 am
Where is Dragon Garden? If in Albuquerque…
Your OLDEST “brother”,
Steve