Atomic Nerds

I’ve been quite thoroughly burnt out on politics as late. I still take my morning dose of poison, for much the same reason as a heavy smoker cures his morning attempt to expel his own lungs with a cigarette, but I’ve mostly lost the desire to talk about it.

I also have what appears to be one of my larger bio-stuff posts in mental draft form, but it still needs poking and punching to see which bits actually belong in there and which ones represent a several-hundred-word tangent, and of course there’s always the terrifying possibility that the whole thing will collapse like a distressed souffle, which happens from time to time.

Fortunately, a friend of mine found a bit of fluff of mine from many years back and before I started formally blogging, which I had completely forgotten ever having written. After looking it over again, I decided it’s pretty good for something that old, and also that I miss having enough of a sense of humor about politics to have written it in the first place.

So, without further ado, the field guide. It is very silly and meant to be taken as such, and was written when my very small audience was mainly to the left or REALLY to the left of me- I had gotten more than a little tired of seeing people talk as though conservatism was a blob of uniform thought that could be entirely represented by Dick Cheney and James Dobson.

The Paleocon
Distinguishing features: The Paleocon believes in small government, traditional values, low taxes, and minimal interference in foreign affairs. In general, he believes that America started to go downhill somewhere around Woodrow Wilson, and all things being equal would prefer to repeal the twentieth century in general. He’s still absolutely outraged about progressive taxation, and especially the New Deal. He feels the Republican party abandoned conservatism somewhere around Nixon.

Where found: Generally, with a cigarette and a martini somewhere in upstate New Hampshire.

Call: “The government should deliver the mail and declare war. We just have to get them to stop doing EVERYTHING ELSE. Dammit.”

The Very Moral Minority
Distinguishing features: This fellow believes that faith in God and the Bible automatically translates to good government. God = good, so how could government guided by God be anything else? American society will turn right back into the garden of Eden it was in the fifties if we just get God back into every single aspect of public life. Always shocked when it turns out most other Christians don’t agree, and keep quoting something annoying about that which is Caesar’s. Oh well, he’s still right.

Where found: With very bad hair and an equally bad suit, and not infrequently, a radio station.

Call: “The Communists were atheists, and they killed a hundred million people!”

The Crunchy Con (Hat tip for term to National Review)
Distinguishing Features: Highly literate, usually religious (though not always Christian), and deeply rooted in small-town traditional values. Disdains pop culture, big business, big government, and big anything, including big religion. Usually does not own a TV. May or may not own a radio. Shops in Wild Oats/Trader Joe’s/Whole Foods, but entertains private fantasies of shouting “I VOTED FOR BUSH!” to see if it really would start a riot.

Where found: In organic co-ops, small churches, and small towns. Distinguishable by simultaneous presence of Birkenstocks and lack of bumper stickers.

Call: “Feed your family good food for their bodies, minds, and spirits.”

The Neocon

Distinguishing Features: Did you ever wonder what happened to the liberal Democrats from the Kennedy era who believed in civil rights, women’s rights, and opposing totalitarianism by force and spreading democracy the same way? Now they’re neocons. Prone to pointing out that Japan was a backwards country mired in feudalism and civil war until Admiral Perry pointed several naval cannons at them. Admit that, okay, that whole East Asian Co-Prosperity Sphere episode was a setback, but then we occupied them for a couple of decades and look at them now.

Where found: At antiwar protests jeering the protestors. Fleeing from said furious protestors.

Call: “Freedom and democracy for all.”

The Libbertaryan
Distinguishing features: First cousin to the Paleocon with less “traditional” values. Don’t believe the government has the right to interfere with them in ANY way except to enforce contracts and have a military. They are not totally sure about the military.

Where found: In Montana or Wyoming with their family, dogs, and a sign reading “Tresspassers will be shot. Survivors will be shot again.”

Call: “Gimme my guns, drugs, and whores, and GET OFF MY PROPERTY.”

The Clone Army Con
Distinguishing features: Changes depending on the decade, but roiling disdain for “liberals” is constant.

Where found: Anywhere.

Call: “(Whatever Rush Limbaugh or Michael Savage is saying this week)”

The South Park Conservative
Distinguishing features: Smirk. Either consciously hip or consciously unhip clothing. Tendency to burst out laughing at seemingly inappropriate moments. Joy in making people angry, especially liberals, but other conservatives will do if there aren’t any liberals in range or they just feel like a change of pace.

Where found: Nearly anywhere, but take particular delight in being conservatives in traditionally liberal outposts.

Call: *singing* “America, FUCK YEAH!”

The Moderate Conservative

Distinguishing feature: Frequently indistinguishable from Moderate Liberals.

Where found: Ubiquitous.

Call: “I have to go to work in the morning.”

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