Atomic Nerds

Ok, Jay has over 3 grand in his kitty, so barring a miracle I’ll cede first place to him. But that doesn’t mean I don’t still want to raise as much as I possibly can, because after watching my dad go through treatment, I’m convinced it’s a shitty enough experience that there are very few people I’d wish such a fate on.

So here’s the new deal. You want to hear the screams of agony and/or profanity? Get the bar over $2000 and I’ll call that close enough to first and it’s on. That’ll be a full order of magnitude more than we raised last year, with a little extra. Hitting the 10x mark as an improvement? Yeah, I’ll take it.

Donate now.

As best I can figure the standings right now, JayG has us pretty well monkeystomped for who has raised the most by roughly $1500, give or take a bit. Daunting, but surmountable with effort. Further, it’s still a damned tight horse race between myself and Evyl Robot- some days we’re swinging back and forth with just $5 separating us. I blame this on their dirty cheating leveraging of resources to offer their own prize packs for donors.

So with the task in mind of unseating Jay like a toddler not strapped in on a tilt-a-whirl, I’ve come up with my own notion for stuff to raffle off, naturally of much more questionable worth.

Let me preface this with two pieces of information. First, I have never heard the current earworm du jour “Call Me Maybe”. I’ve heard about 30 seconds of it being read by confused NPR staff before I said something along the lines of “this is stupidest pile of recycled felch-wash I’ve heard this month” and leaving the room. Second, the lyrical transcription I’ll describe momentarily was undertaken after a healthy dose of cough syrup.

So here’s the raffle. Anybody who donates $10 or more to the Prostate Cancer Foundation can forward their receipt to nerdsatomic at gmail dot com with the subject line “Raffle.” At the end of the month, I will record two mp3s, one of me singing “Call Me Maybe,” and the other of me singing Lady Gaga’s “Born This Way,” but with updated lyrics for the gun enthusiast community. “Shoot this way,” if you will. Like I said, there was cough syrup involved. Don’t judge me.

Two lucky, for a given value of the term, people will win, one mp3 each. And there’s no “please don’t spread it around” clause here either. Share it freely, or if the winner says so I’ll post it in the sidebar for the entire year for the world to cringe at.

A measly ten bucks gets you a chance on this. You’ve heard me on Vicious Circle in the past probably, so you know this’ll be comedy gold. If you’ve donated $10 or more already, yes I’ll happily accept those receipts as well, but each receipt you forward is another crack at the prize, so I’d donate some more just for good measure.

And lest we lose sight of what this is all really about, please, if you’re a male over 40, make an appointment with your doc and get yourself checked. Cancer sucks worse than my singing, I don’t want any of you winding up with the worst possible prize in this raffle.

The Bold Personal Challenge section of Kilted to Kick Cancer has apparently commenced. Ambulance Driver and JayG are at it again as they’re currently the top two fundraisers, just as last year. Jay has promised to shave his ‘stache if he wins, as he puts it “Who else puts their mustache on the line???”

Well, Kelly is stepping up. He’s promised to shave half of his ‘stache for Blogorado if he wins so we can all have a nice chance to take lots of pictures and so forth. Good on him stepping up.

But let’s be realistic. Millions of men shave every day. Applying a razor to the face is not a daunting challenge, even if you look a little silly afterwards.

So as it turns out, our gracious hostess Farmgirl’s best friend is a cosmetologist. And a good sport. So here’s where I see their bets, and raise. If I win and raise the most funds, I will wax my junk at blogorado, and record the audio stream of the process and post that up for you all to enjoy for the year. If you’re a regular around here, you’ve probably seen me get creative with the invective before, so take your favorite example from that and imagine what it would sound like with some motivation and inspiration.

Y’all know I don’t bluff. Donate now.

Honestly I’m kinda surprised this one took this long to crop up. From commenter George:

What’s the going rate for the Humungous picture from Blogarado 2?

I have to admit I’m a bit conflicted. As this was done for a private gathering of trusted friends, I’ve a strong impulse to keep the scope of exposure limited to that group. On the other hand, I genuinely believe in what we’re working towards with this fundraiser, and if people are crazy enough to want to see me in a banana hammock that showing my ass will help raise some awareness and funds for the Prostate Cancer Foundation, I’m fairly torn. If nothing else, the notion of that getup being used for good feels kind of like saving a drowning child with an inflatable sex toy. Sure, the kid is better off, but… um…. well maybe if it wasn’t so slippery and she’d been able to get a grip on it sooner…

Yeah.

So here’s the deal. Lord Humungus is on the table, but it’s going to be pretty steep. Additionally, this isn’t going to be a “Hit X and THE WHOLE WORLD SHALL JUST WALK AWAY” kind of set up. Forward a copy of your receipt for $75 or more to nerdsatomic at gmail dot com, and I will send you a tasteless selection of Lord Humungus photographs from Blogorado. For donations of $100 or more, I will additionally include video demonstrating that it is very difficult to aim a large .44 magnum with one hand with a colander bungee-corded to your face. I’d request that if anybody is crazy enough to pony up at these levels, to please not spread them hither and yon (besides, that kills the incentive for anyone else to donate at these “you’re kidding me” levels), but obviously that’s not something I’ll have control of. Basically if you’re philanthropic enough to kick in that kind of scratch, I think “don’t be a dick” is one that’d be pretty easy.

So. Any takers?