Atomic Nerds

“Ok, who brought the cheetos?”
“Yo.”
“Sweet, we’re all set. Everybody got their characters rolled?”
“Yeah, what’s this run again? Will there be decent gold? I need more gold.”
“Shaddup. You know you’ll find out when you’re in there. All right. It’s morning and your party is preparing to adventure.”
“My sysadmin orders a barrel of coffee.”
“My programmer lights a cigarette.”
“The first challenge approaches. A digital anachrotroll draws near, brandishing the smoking ruins of the laptop you prepared for last week’s adventure.”
“Jesus, already? That’s a new record for hosing my work by a long-ass ways. This is gonna be ‘fun,’ I can tell already. Ok, my sysadmin casts email tech support and tries to walk him through the low-level stuff without getting too close.”
“The laptop remains broken.”
“All right. My sysadmin casts information request.”
“Rolling… you receive gibberish.”
“Damnit. My sysadmin arranges a pickup on the machine.”
“The troll misses the pickup and grows irritated.”
“Screw it. Your turn.”
“My programmer arranges a pickup.”
“The troll arrives with the laptop and deposits the smoking yet still slimy remains on your best pack.”
“Delightful. Will you have your damn sysadmin fix this thing already and get rid of the troll?”
“Yeah yeah. I’m rolling. Crap, the dice are not friendly today. At least it’s fixable, technically. Ok, my sysadmin returns the laptop in working order.”
“With a shimmering ripple, the image you see shifts before your eyes. No longer are you facing a digital anachrotroll. Before you now stands a Pretentious Flaming Douchebag. He opens his filthy nozzle and sprays you with a boiling spray that sounds like:
I have tried to be patient through out this all! So let ME tell you what
what I have been experiencing. I do NOT WORK for you. I have been on
computers longer then you have been alive. GET IT! DO NOT leave my
computer on “Administrator” as I am not the administrator. YOU ARE NOT ME!
Put MY computer to me understand! How many passwords do you think I have
to remember let alone sign on IDs. I am on 3 different computers, at lest
12 different systems, which each have passwords and sign-on names.

Ok, saving rolls?”
“Shit, no good.”
“Me either.”
“You are both now affected by WTFery for your next turn.”
“My sysadmin begins casting Detailed Rant.”
“My programer casts silence on the sysadmin.”
“The fuck?!”
“What, are you trying to cook us all? You know your rants carry +40 fire damage, and we’ve got all this boiling douchery all over. It’ll all go up like the Hindenburg if you’d gotten that spell off.”
“You see the sysadmin’s lips moving rapidly – ”
“Yeah, yeah. I also put some points in lip reading, remember? …wow, Darwin-defiant children and Cuckoo birds? That would’ve been a good one.”
“As I was saying, you see your sysadmin’s lips moving furiously, but the only sound to come out is ‘Let’s work synergistically for a positive integrated digital outcome.’”
“I thought you cast silence, not manager-speak.”
“We’re not on fire, are we?”
“Fine.”
“Ok, I cast Summon VP. This Douchebag shouldn’t even be in this cave.”
“The strange 1s and 0s glow around you, and with a cheerful call of “Hey, how’s Monday treatin’ you so far?” the… hang on, rolling. The Soft Fluffy VP appears.”
“That one is usually pretty good. My sysadmin casts buff resume, just in case.”
“Better than nothing, that’s for sure. Ok, I give the SFVP copies of the battle-log.”
“The SFVP reads the background. Rolling… She agrees with the sysadmin. SFVP says she’s ready for battle and that the Pretentious Flaming Douchebag should take it up with offshore manufacturer tech support from now on.”
“Ok, I send in the SFVP.”
“Rolling… damn, the dice just do not like you guys today. The SFVP comes back with a glazed expression and tells you that an apology will be forthcoming, but that the sysadmin must enter the inner lair of the Pretentious Flaming Douchebag and harmonize the ambient waves as originally described.”
“What the fuck? My programmer casts detect bullshit.”
“Your programmer catches the faintest whiff of Hippy VP, but with a curiously burned note. The Pretentious Flaming Douchebag had summoned Hippy VP to battle SFVP, but did not have the power to control her. The HVP blocked your SFVP’s firing attack and thought we should all just get along, hence the lair quest. The good news is that the Pretentious Flaming Douchebag looks severely weakened, and cannot cast summon VP again without rolling a 20. The Douchebag opens his nozzle again, since the SFVP was able to cast Force Apology on him.
‘Just to let you know I come from a background of 16 years of emergency
response and it is not uncommon for firefighters, OSCs, Coast Guard,
Police, and hazmat personnel to speak very roughly with each other. This
is a bad habit on my part and I am trying to moderate it.’”
“Did you rig the fucking dice or something? ‘I’m sorry you’re a pussy’ is the best we get?”
“Like I said, they do not love you today. What’re you gonna do?”
“Flip you for who goes in. I can cast Schedule Conflict if anybody bitches about it being me instead of you.”
“No, I want to see how fucked up his stuff is. I know I put enough points in on my end that it has to be his crap that’s doing this.”
“My programmer begins summoning a barrel of margaritas and casts a masking spell of project staff meeting on it. Should be ready at the end of the day.”
“Thanks.”
“All right, my sysadmin enters the Pretentious Flaming Douchebag’s lair.”
“The Pretentious Flaming Douchebag is attempting to charm Less Gullible VP, who has been sent to make sure no blood is spilled. He’s describing setting up a crosstalk network in San Fransisco in the 70s.”
“San Fransisco in the 70s? That explains so much. My sysadmin puts on the Cloak of Indifference. The one with the 17 charges of You Don’t Matter and examines the laptop.”
“Hey, a break. The dice say the Pretentious Flaming Douchebag stops trying to sound technically literate and focuses on red tape with the LGVP. Nice move.”
“No whammy no whammy….yes! My sysadmin discovers the network configuration issue is in the router and casts Unsupported Hardware!”
“The Douchebag still has questions.”
“Damnit. Fine.”
“The Douchebag wishes advice on how to properly configure things, or should he buy a new router?”
“*snerk* Yeah, find the most expensive one on the market too. Either that or try digging through the documentation.”
“Did you just tell a Pretentious Flaming Douchebag to RTFM?”
“Yup.”
“Nice.”
“Thanks.”
“The LGVP casts release. You are free to go. The Douchebag shrinks in size and becomes a Petulant Drama Prick. He’s harmless for now, but the slightest whiff of Drama and he’ll grow back to twice his original Douchebag size.”
“Great. Now can we get our freakin’ reward and get out of this damn cave?”
“Sorry, no rewards. At least you got some good XP though.”
“You’re never DMing again. Gimme those cheetos and somebody whip up some real margaritas.”

Posted Boring Technodrivel, japery |