Network News Junkie Newsletter
Irradiated by Stingray
Volume 37, July 2008
Your sponge could KILL YOU! Learn the terrifying secrets of the deadly bacterial nightmare in your very own kitchen! p.28
Ladders! The vertical deathtrap! We blow the lid off 14 7/8 secrets that Big Ladder doesn’t want you to know about! Secrets that could SAVE YOUR LIFE! p. 7
Bird-flu nightmare! Learn the shocking truth about this deadly winged killer of death and your .2% chance of DYING TO DEATH! p. 3
If you’re not scared shitless about global warming, YOU’RE A BAD PERSON AND YOU WILL DIE! p. 16
Investment strategies! We’re so damn right about everything else, here’s how you should manage your money! Or you might DIE! p.48
THE SKY IS FALLING! No, we really mean it this time! We explain why you’ll need at least 6000 gallons of fresh water and canned food enough to nourish the 82nd Airborne for five years just to make it through the weekend – or you could suffer! p. 25
Pornography on the internet? We reveal the shocking secret the rest of the world has known about for thirty years! p. 18
Guns – the loudest killer! Having the means to defend your shitloads of water and canned goods WILL GET YOU KILLED! p. 52
Safety legislation! Does your senator oppose mandatory helmets for masturbation? We ask why he wants you dead! p. 9
Shitting where you eat? Not just for internet gun-board whackjobs anymore! Find out how your toothbrush is laden with DEADLY E. COLI DEATH! p. 14
NASA Assassins! The deadly rain of debris from beyond the atmosphere could fall in your back yard! These astroNUTS are trying to kill you! p. 20
Science shocker! So-called “law” of gravity could spell firey death for airline passengers! Can TSA protect us? p. 33
Cereal killers! Genetically modified wheat is a mutant in the breadbox! How will this affect YOUR LIFE? p. 40
Shocking survey! College kids DRINK! Will your 20-year-old child be next?! p.45
From Russia with Love? How EVERYTHING YOU OWN is made in China! The Red Menace is back, and deadlier than ever! p. 25
“Cell”-ular death! Your phone is giving you THE CANCER! p. 16
Out of service, out of life! If you don’t have your phone with you YOU WILL DIE! p.17
Just give up and die. You’re fucked anyway. p. 59
July 28th, 2008 at 12:37 pm
“Stay tuned while we tell you why *you* should be paralyzed with helpless fear!”
July 28th, 2008 at 12:45 pm
“The horrible truth The Man is not letting you know: everybody in the world will eventually die sooner or later!”
July 28th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
“Mortality rate for humans remains at 100% despite best efforts by science.”
July 28th, 2008 at 3:10 pm
“Man Lives Entire Life! Details at 11:00.”
July 28th, 2008 at 3:45 pm
Pornography on the internet? We reveal the shocking secret the rest of the world has known about for thirty years, and how IT COULD KILL YOU!! p. 18
FTFY
July 28th, 2008 at 5:08 pm
“An ordinary household item that is in 90% of homes in the nation could kill you and your entire family RIGHT NOW. More at 11:00.”
July 28th, 2008 at 6:24 pm
“How the medical establishment is going to hurt you–YOUR doctor may be nothing more than a cash-sucking scoundrel robbing you for the insurance companies!”
July 28th, 2008 at 11:20 pm
Excellent.
July 29th, 2008 at 9:17 am
Di-Hydrogen Monoxide: Menace or threat?
July 29th, 2008 at 9:20 am
You were born! You’re going to Die.
July 29th, 2008 at 9:36 am
Good Gawd! Di-Hydrogen Monoxide, the oceans are full of it!
July 29th, 2008 at 12:00 pm
The cure for di-hydrogen monoxide poisoning found: Paracetamoxyfrusebendroneomycin!
July 29th, 2008 at 12:03 pm
It’s a little late for May sweeps, innit?
July 29th, 2008 at 12:05 pm
PS–shouldn’t it be (in all seriousness) hydrogen hydroxide? I’m a tyro when it comes to chemistry….
July 29th, 2008 at 12:14 pm
I was under the impression that for a binary compound with two nonmetals, you use the Greek nomenclature system- so dihydrogen monoxide is correct, as neither are metals.
July 29th, 2008 at 1:13 pm
“Pornography on the internet?” I thought the internet was for porn?
July 29th, 2008 at 1:31 pm
Correct. The Internet is designed to deliver porn to you, regardless of the amount of atomic warfare damage the communication infrastructure takes.
July 29th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
too poor and dumb to make your own day-to-day common sense decisions?
no prob, just move to south l.a. and “leave the livin’ to us”
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25896233
jtc
July 29th, 2008 at 3:31 pm
It’s all spot on but the phrase that got me was your 20-year-old child.
July 30th, 2008 at 9:23 am
Big Ladder?
July 30th, 2008 at 1:54 pm
I’ve seen plenty of 20 year old children.
Anyone who is living off of the involuntary largess of others, is, by any proper definition, a child.