Elephants In A Nutshell

November 17, 2011 - 4:04 pm
Irradiated by LabRat
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Mitt Romney: “I’m a nonthreatening white guy, I was governor of someplace I’d rather you forgot because the important part is I was governor, and IT’S MY GODDAMN TURN.”

Michelle Bachmann: “I am here to prove that American women can be every bit as rigid, tone-deaf, blithely intolerant, and ignorant as American men. If you are of my tribe, vote for me, and if not, you’re probably some sort of dirt-sucking Democrat anyway.”

Herman Cain: “I can run a real business like a real American leader, so please try to ignore that I can’t run my own campaign.”

Ron Paul: “I stand for liberty, principle, fiscal sanity, reason, gravitas, grit, calm leadership, and BANANA BANANA FRUIT PUNCH PIE WHAT TIME IS IT”

Newt Gingrich: “Despite our similar powers, I have no relation or allegiance to Jason Voorhees. Vote for me and my undead skeleton army.”

Rick Perry: “Because you cannot possibly go wrong with governors from Texas. I forgot the rest. Look at my chin, is that not the chin of a leader?”

Jon Huntsman: “I’m to the right of Barack Obama. That’s good enough for the Republican nomination, right?”

Rick Santorum: “I’m the other socially conservative nonthreatening white guy. The other other one, the second Rick. Please don’t Google me.”

Gary Johnson: “Hello? Is anyone out there? I’m so cold and alone…

No Responses to “Elephants In A Nutshell”

  1. Robert Says:

    I’m starting to think that the Republicans LIKE snatching defeat out of the jaws of victory. At least the Democrats aren’t likely to control the Senate after next year, and we’ll have ourselves some good ol’ divided government.

  2. perlhaqr Says:

    And I’d still take Ron Paul over any of ‘em except Johnson. Who not only won’t be allowed to win, but also apparently won’t be allowed to even compete. Probably because he’s a better Democrat than the democrats (on the weed and gays fronts, anyway) and a hella better Republican than, well, anyone except Paul, who runs close behind.

  3. Laura Kellner Says:

    Still an Obama fan, but on behalf of every American woman with a brain cell still functioning….thankyouthankyou for the Bachman line!!

  4. tweell Says:

    I’ll take Ron Paul. All he needs is some dried frog pills and he’s good to go!

  5. Justthisguy Says:

    Actually, I am thinking of voting for Gary when I switch my party affiliation from L to R, for the primary.

    Of course, in the general election, I’ll vote for any Repubican running against the O hole. I know how the electoral college works.

  6. Matt G Says:

    For the last 10 years, it’s not Perry’s chin that we’ve been noticing, but that hair. Good gawd, that’s a head of hair. A head of hair like that ought to get a few votes, don’tcha reckon?

  7. Gnarly Sheen Says:

    Oh God I laughed. I heart Ron Paul so much, including all that crazy he’s carrying around, and that part of the post was the best imo :)

  8. Nick P. Says:

    One of my sisters is saying her presidential ‘dream team’ would be Ron Paul for president and Dennis Kucinich as VP.

    I’m still kind of trying to figure that one out.

  9. Tam Says:

    Ron Paul: “I stand for liberty, principle, fiscal sanity, reason, gravitas, grit, calm leadership, and BANANA BANANA FRUIT PUNCH PIE WHAT TIME IS IT”

    Oh, man, I LOL’ed so hard. :D

    Still, though, we need more crazy in federal government. ;)

  10. Evyl Robot Michael Says:

    Yup. That’s about the size of it.

  11. Andrew S Says:

    “Please don’t google me”

    I’m dying here!

  12. PhillipC Says:

    I’m good with the idea of liberty, principle, fiscal sanity, reason, gravitas, grit, calm leadership, and BANANA BANANA FRUIT PUNCH PIE WHAT TIME IS IT… We’ve had too many perfectly sane Presidents, let’s go back to having a crazy one. Have you ever noticed that some of the Founding Fathers weren’t completely right in the head? After all, they stood up to the King. That just wasn’t done by sane men, you know.

  13. bluntobject Says:

    Nick P:

    One of my sisters is saying her presidential ‘dream team’ would be Ron Paul for president and Dennis Kucinich as VP.

    That was my dream ticket in 2008, too. I figured they’d agree on about half the things I cared about, and the crazy would cancel out on the rest — they’d be too busy arguing to break anything.

    This time around, I’d love to see Gary Johnson get the nomination and select Zombie Barry Goldwater as his veep nominee.

  14. Loki1776 Says:

    “A head of hair like that ought to get a few votes’

    It worked for Blagojevich… for a while.

  15. Janeen Says:

    Zombie Barry Goldwater in 2012!

  16. Ken Says:

    I’m not much of an SNL fan these days, but I liked the one debate sketch they ran in which (among other things) they stuck Santorum in a leather bar in Castro, and Ron Paul out in the parking garage. Two guys in a panel van pulled up, yanked Paul in, then there were two or three gunshots and Paul climbed back out and dusted off his coat. Moderator: “Okay! Ron Paul…not goin’ anywhere!”

  17. DaddyBear Says:

    Outstanding!

    Remember, vote DaddyBear in 2012! Better the evil you know!

  18. Randall Says:

    If I knew nothing but what was described in this post, I would vote for Newt.

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  20. Overheard in the Comments Section: | My Blog Says:

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  21. Steve Bodio Says:

    1) All too true to be funny almost.

    2) I voted for Gary here (NM) and I may again, despite impracticality… though I lean toward Justthisguy’s strategy.

    3) Even while laughing out loud I think both Ron and, yes, Huntsman, get worse than they deserve. Huntsman is good on guns, China, and evo– is there still some subtle anti- Mormon bias?* (I hasten to add, NOT yours, and as a mostly agnostic culture Catholic have no horse in the race).

    As for Ron Paul: I’ll quote an old friend on Reagan back in the day, at a (Hollywood!) party: “Crazy? Senile? Dumb? If you insist. But I voted for him twice and if they let me I’d vote for him again!”

    *Which somehow never affects the Udalls– I don’t understand Democrats!