Atomic Nerds

I know I’m a day late and a dollar short, as usual, but this year it took me a bit of head-scratching to figure out specifically what was pissing me off about filthy hippy gaia hugging circlejerk day. Was it the hippies? No, that couldn’t be. Much like Eric Cartman, my hatred for hippies cannot become more intense without physically manifesting itself as a glowing orb which would follow me around occasionally bellowing things like “BRING ME THE HEAD OF ED BEGLEY JUNIOR!” or “MARTIN SHEEN MUST BE PUNISHED IN THE FLAMES OF A THOUSAND POUNDS OF STYROFOAM!” Could it be the child-logic driving such inanity as “If we recycle six pounds of plastic we’ll make enough of a difference to effect($change)”? No, that sort of thing never made me do more than roll my eyes. The protests? Maybe I’m sheltered, but I haven’t seen a protest yet that couldn’t be navigated with a few sharp elbows.

“So what, pray tell, is actually drawing your ire this year?” you ask. This year, it’s the popular slogan they’re using to push this shit.

“You are here.
You will never be anywhere else.
Take care of it.”

If this isn’t the “official” (“in that we agree to a common consensus of non-offensive but not mandatory or hierarchically agreed upon oppression of free expression of the sentiment of….”) slogan for gaia-circlejerk day, too bad. I’ve seen that distillation in more than a couple spots, and each time it has preceded a healthy burst of colorful invective laced with specific suggestions for the hippies to follow, anatomical improbability be damned.

“You will never be anywhere else.”

And some people have the sheer fucking brass clankers to call ME a pessimist? If the shit you’re smoking makes you really think this then you are doing it WAY wrong. Last I heard, that stuff was called “happy herb” among its myriad names for a reason. If instead of thinking “man, we like, totally have people booking flights to space man! Mars is just around the corner man!” you think “Man, we’re never getting off this rock. We’d better all go back to the native American harmony-with-earth* style, man because we’re never leaving, man!” then you either need to go beat your dealer’s ass, or get a job as an insurance adjuster.

I know there isn’t a lot of room for brain function between the never-ending search for cheetos and whatever ganglion-driven process it is that makes patchouli so appealing to this crowd to allow for any sort of any sort of higher math or powers of observation, but I’ve got some news: we’re pretty well along to being Somewhere Else already. We’re not there yet, but it’s getting close. Unless you’re some old fart that took cowering to a cave when those big flaming sky-birds launched the little beeping tennis ball, we WILL be somewhere else. And probably soon enough that the dumbfuck hippies that came up with that monument to ludditism will be sitting around trying to figure a way to keep the water in the bong in microgravity thinking “Man, remember when we said we’d never be anywh– hey, cheetos!”

Now someone bring me the head of Ed Begley Jr. already.

*Just don’t get me started. Just don’t.

Posted Ranting, current events |