BEST. PLAN. EVER.
Irradiated by Stingray
So your loved one just accidentally died in an autoerotic asphyxiation mishap. It’s gotten out to the press and public, and that’s just adding stress to the already bad situation. What on earth could you do to help resolve this terrible situation?
Just days after David Carradine was found dead with a cord around his neck and nuts, the family lawyer, Mark Geragos, made a statement on CNN’s Larry King Live:
“David was very interested in investigating and disclosing secret societies. … What that means is connected to martial arts and his interest in martial arts,” he continued. “And so there is a suspicion that if there was some foul play, that that may be the first area where they should look.”
The amount of sheer brass-balled brass-ballery it takes to say with a straight face on Larry King Live that ninjas killed him and made it look like he died jerking off is utterly breathtaking. I mean, I’ve pulled what I consider to be one or two fairly brazen examples of “Oh god, I hope this works”, but never have I gone on national news and blamed a secret society for the consequences of a risky fetish behavior.
Frankly, I stand in awe.
From this point on, Mr. Geragos’ actions on CNN will serve as my personal goal. Fleecing the gullible is one thing, but never in my life have I attempted in all seriousness to blame ninjas for my woes. Clearly, I have much work ahead of me if I wish to clank brass on a truly professional level.
And if I don’t post again for a couple days, it’s because the Somali Pirates sent a crack team of assassins to stop me and I was involved in an epic battle. Seriously.
June 8th, 2009 at 5:27 pm
I’ve read that his wrists were tied but not whether they were tied in the front or back. He probably had help but I think a Bangkok “bar girl” is the more likely culprit.
June 9th, 2009 at 8:19 am
I’ll bet Prince Arthas was involved. Is the David Carradine Memorial raid group recruiting?
( what a lawyer will say for money … dear ghod … )
June 9th, 2009 at 9:01 am
Geragos will say and do just about anything for money. He defended murderer Scott Peterson and represented the jerks who taunted a tiger into jumping over the fence that hurt them and killed their friend at the SF Zoo – and they just were awarded $900K. What a dilweed.
June 9th, 2009 at 10:41 am
But a rich dilweed … you can bet he got at least $450k of that award.
June 9th, 2009 at 1:57 pm
I know, tho, that rivalry between different martial arts school in Indonesia can and does end in lethal violence at times.
So the idea that ninjas may have killed Carradine is not out of the realm of possible. The technique remains unusual to say the least however.
June 10th, 2009 at 6:30 am
I KNEW IT!
The first thing I said after my friend told me David Carradine died (after “Who is David Carradine?”) was “Was he killed by ninjas?”
Either that, or his lawyer is a ninja, and wishes to scare pirates into hiding for fear of a similar death.
June 10th, 2009 at 10:59 am
If we could only somehow work Vikings into this menagerie-a-tois, we could have a pretty decent investigative reality show on Spike TV. Think CSI meets Deadliest Warrior.
June 10th, 2009 at 7:58 pm
We should all blame ninjas for everything from now on.
“Who spilled coffee on my laptop?”
“Ninjas.”
“Who forgot to take out the trash?”
“Ninjas.”
“Why does it burn when I pee?”
“Ninjas.”
June 17th, 2009 at 7:20 pm
I’m still trying to figure out how you tie your feet, hands, and genitals together and manage to do it in a way that doesn’t allow any slack, so that you suffocate yourself, AND you do it in the confines of a closet!
Can one of you scientists explain how you can do this?
June 21st, 2009 at 1:04 pm
Call me perverse, but I would prefer to learn a loved one died during an autoerotic mishap than to think they were a suicide or dispatched by goobers in black pajamas with camel toes. That blew my tiny little mind about Michael Hutchence, and still does, all those years ago. Yeah, it’s a shame to die prematurely, but… gosh. Maybe I’m not wired correctly, but I think pervy is vastly preferable to pathologically depressed or whatnot.