Weapons Maintenance
Irradiated by Stingray
“I am prepared for any defensive situation. My weapon has been customized by the spirit of John Browning, resurrected through magics I am not at liberty to discuss. It will never, ever fail or jam. It has night sights, and I always carry a flashlight. I have been to Gunsite and Thunder Ranch multiple times. I have developed my handloaded ammunition to put ten rounds through one hole at 500 yards, and it expands to almost a full inch across in soft targets. My family and I use a series of codewords for tactical awareness and situational alertosity. Our home alarm is a rabid wolverine with AIDS and an ingrown toenail, and I have enough food and water stored to feed the 82nd Airborne for a year.”
“Wow, sounds like you’re all set. C’mon, let’s run down and put up some fresh targets!”
“*gasp* *coughhackaaaaaack* *wheeeeezzzeee* Hang on, there’s no rush. Maybe have a cigarette on the way or something…”
As LawDog is fond of pointing out (at least when he’s not offering blasphemous guacamole recipes that lack chile powder), the only weapon anyone has is him or her self. Anything else is just a tool. With that thought in mind, cast your mind’s eye around the collection of folks you go to the range with, or the ones at the gun shop, or the last group you went to Blackwater with. How many of them had a gut that entered the room several seconds before the rest of them, or had to stop every few minutes for a quick puff? Given the amount of electrons spent on proper training, keeping your gun and gear in good working order, and paying attention to your surroundings, why on earth would anyone ignore the actual weapon to the point where its failure is more likely than any mechanical malfunction in a pistol?
“What? You want my wallet, Ray-Ray? Wow, that’s pretty messed up- hold on. *flick* *puff* Ahh. That’s better. FRONTSIGHTPRESS!”
Doesn’t work too well, does it? Maybe I’ve just spent a little too long on the interwebs, but it seems like there’s a whole host of folks spending all their time and effort raising the tools and accessories of self defense to damn near a fetish who would make any nearby EMTs warm up the meat wagon if they had to run a whole hundred meters.
Now before I get legions of gunbloggers protesting that they’re only big boned, take it down a notch. Nobody is saying you have to be able to out-swim Michael Phelps, out-lift Marius Pudzianowski, or finish the Boston Marathon in two hours, but for Browning’s sake, how the hell are you going to battle the forces of darkness, evil, and tofu promoters if your idea of “heavy lifting” is carrying more than one box of ammo at the range at a time? The goal is not to make the cover of the Swimsuit Edition, or make the American Heart Association declare you their poster boy. Hell, I’ve got a bit of chunk I don’t really need myself. The goal here is to be physically capable of hauling your own ass to a place of Less Suck should your daily life encounter a situation gone pear shaped.
Yeah, you’ve probably heard all this before. Eat healthier, eat less, quit smoking (or at least cut down a bit- it’ll be a cold day in hell before I give up cigars entirely), take the stairs, walk more, or even just park farther out in the lot. You’ve probably heard all the benefits too. Your reaction times will improve if you shoot competitively. You can do daily tasks more efficiently and with less difficulty. Hell, you’ll even get better in the sack. Funny thing is that’s all accurate.
But how should one go about that? Well first off keep in mind how much you paid for this advice. That said, if you’re into masochism and you’ve got access to a bit of equipment (pullup bar, some free weights) check out CrossFit over in the “LabRat Heartily Endorses” section of our sidebar. CrossFit is not for pussies. It is made of pain and agony and it is actually quite possible to hurt yourself rather badly in some of the exercises. On the other hand, the results come fast and furious, it doesn’t take very long, and the program is varied to keep those of us with short attention spans interested. If you’re like most tactical munchkins, you’re probably looking at the daily workout and saying either “Oh wow, that’s way too freakin’ hard” or “That doesn’t look like much. Are you sure that’s enough? Maybe I’ll do a couple in a row.” For the former, you’re right. That’s way too freakin’ hard. LabRat and I aren’t ripped enough to do the workouts as posted yet, so we do scaled versions which are posted at a CrossFit affiliate, BrandX. As for the second reaction…BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Let me know how that works out for you. Anyway, yes it is difficult and you will want to die at the end of the workout, but I’d say that beats the hell out of wishing you weren’t going to die because you couldn’t move your 5′ 7″ 260lb self out of harm’s way. And like I said, the goal isn’t to be an Olympian. Do enough to improve your daily life.
That look like too much? Then just do some plain ‘ol vintage 1950s calesthenics. A few pushups here, some situps there, throw in some jumping jacks and squat thrusts for that authentic gym class vibe. Go for a walk in the evening – you can even practice your tactical observation drills on the way to count the number of potential threats or something. SimpleFit has a great catalog of bodyweight exercises you can do in the comfort and privacy of your own home (lets face it, going to the gym sucks when you’re trying to shed flab and you’re surrounded by walking steroid ads). Pretty much anything beats the hell out of just treating the latest Blackhawk catalog like Playboy and struggling to get off the can.
Either way, just remember. Your gun, light, knife, holster, etc are all tools. Maintain your weapon first.
April 6th, 2009 at 7:59 pm
Well said, thank you. Weapons maintenance takes discipline and if you want the weapon to be ready, it’s a process that only ends when you’re on your way to meet John Browning and/or your other deities of choice
April 6th, 2009 at 8:07 pm
All the ammo in the world won’t help you if you drop dead of a heart attack.
April 6th, 2009 at 10:10 pm
I’m as guilty of this as anyone. I am taking steps to correct it. Thanks!
April 6th, 2009 at 10:26 pm
Well said.
April 6th, 2009 at 10:33 pm
OK, damn. I’m kinda inspired now.
April 6th, 2009 at 11:58 pm
Oddly i just started a fitness regiment 2 weeks ago, have not noticed any changes yet, but i do feel better, more awake/alert. I know it will take a while to get back to my Army weight, hell it took me ~10 years to put on the 100lbs since then, but hopefully i can drop it a bit quicker.
April 7th, 2009 at 12:35 am
Well, I’m sitting at 5″8″ and I unfortunately weight 259 (though everyone says I only look like I’m at 230).
Got a Bowflex Revolution and I’ve been hitting it for a few months so while I am guilty of being a lazy bum for too long, I’m working on it.
I do wonder if I could do the Crossfit workout with my Bowflex though. I’ll let you know.
April 7th, 2009 at 3:24 am
My daily walks with the dog have increased my tactical awareness by leaps and bounds – albeit in a fairly limited way. I can now spot a cat at 500 yards in microseconds!
Seriously, though, you can learn a lot from the 4-legged ones. They don’t try to suppress their instincts and suspicions.
April 7th, 2009 at 6:03 am
If anyone is interested in a basic (very basic) workout program tailored for shooters, let me know. About a jillion years ago, I was a certified personal trainer, and now I tailor my personal workout to make me faster and more accurate on the range. Things like plyo squats, elevated pushups, and most of the exercises I use can be done from your home using minimal weights and gear.
April 7th, 2009 at 6:09 am
Indeed.
The best thing for our heath has been getting a dog (and fostering a second stray right now). Diets and workout plans don’t have the motivational component we need to stick with them.
But two Dog Whisperer style 30-45 minute walks a day, rain or shine, does wonders for your ability to get out there and get it done. And they have built in motivators; the looks they give when you hesitate because of a stupid thing like sleet should be bottled as WMDs.
April 7th, 2009 at 6:47 am
Huzzah! for common sense.
I’ve spent the last three years getting myself in some semblance of shape – going from 280+ pounds and on Lisinopril for high blood pressure to 175 pounds with no BP meds needed – for that very reason.
We’re a *LOT* more likely to keel over dead from a myocardial infarction brought on by Krispy Kremes and Big Macs than because we didn’t train enough…
April 7th, 2009 at 10:28 am
Options are good. If you can’t run and you can’t fight, you can only go for your gun.
And you may need to fight to be able to retain your gun…
April 7th, 2009 at 11:01 am
a gut that entered the room several seconds before the rest of them
Ha ha, that’s a terrific line, I’ll have to remember it.
April 7th, 2009 at 11:03 am
Hear, hear! I’ve lost 29 pounds since February 28th. I’ve tried other things before, but Weightwatchers has been a great tool for me. I’ve also begun bicycling, in preparation for a planned 62 mile ride in September. There is no time like right now to get yourself in shape. I can’t begin to list the benefits I have seen already.
Aside from not being able to defend my own life effectively, I could not live with the guilt, were something to happen to my daughter while I lay gasping for air. That is my motivation.
April 7th, 2009 at 12:13 pm
Chile powder in guacamole? Yech. Fresh peppers are the only way to fly. If it’s not hot enough, well, that’s why the Good Lady done gave us the Habanero.
(And much like the second category of Crossfit skeptic, yes, that’s really enough.
)
April 7th, 2009 at 12:30 pm
Ah, Peter (Bayou Renaissance Man) and I are coming from the exact opposite ends of the spectrum on this. I’m all “Debilitating injuries are no excuse for gaining measurable body fat or not hiking up mountains, running along seashores with excited malamutes, and kayaking in glacial meltwater! Oh, concealed carry? Nah, shooting pistols hurts so badly I cry after the third shot and I can’t lift a rifle off bench rest, so why would I bother?”
He’s all “What do you mean, you won’t even try to learn shooting pistols because it hurts too much? I shall teach you how, right now – debilitating injuries are no excuse for not carrying protection! We will find a gun you’ll shoot! Hold on and let me get my cane before I try to keep up with you running around town, and would you limp a little more slowly?”
Friends are awesome motivators to go do more things in life!
April 8th, 2009 at 1:22 am
Excellent advice. One of your best weapons is situational awareness, alertness, and quick reaction time. These are doubtless atrophied if the rest of your body is too.
April 8th, 2009 at 7:21 am
I’m just hopeful that soon the weather will improve enough that I can start commuting by bicycle again. I’ve been carrying my winter weight around for so long that I’ve forgotten what it’s like for pants to fit comfortably.
And I’d like to second those who’ve mentioned getting a training partner. Whether it has four legs or two, having a motivated partner to drag your ass off the couch on the days you just don’t feel like it is the very best way to develop good fitness habits.
April 8th, 2009 at 9:35 am
I find my running computer (a Polar 625X to be an unflinching arbiter of what I have accomplished or not. It was a bit of money, and they have simpler models of course, but the data acquisition is remarkable.
It too is nothing more than a tool though, to be used or ignored depending on the intended results.
Jim
April 8th, 2009 at 11:56 am
Don’t forget diet. I’ve lost nearly twenty pounds just by cutting out sugary foods like soda and getting some (very) light exercise.
April 8th, 2009 at 12:22 pm
When it comes to the body as weapon, “fit” matters more than “fat” or not fat. Having less of you to haul around is always helpful, but a dude with a gut who also happens to be strong and fast is more than one up on a skinny guy who isn’t, at least in this context.
April 8th, 2009 at 1:14 pm
Good advice! I’ve been doing my best to get back into shape since I started going to the range. Lost 25 lbs, quit smoking, and walk about 45 minutes every day.
I’m no 20-year old, but then I don’t look and act like I’m 57, either!
April 8th, 2009 at 7:46 pm
Stingray, that’s a tough workout, thanks for pointing it out. Because of you I did a 5k stagger in the rain, I have a ways to go before I am back to really running again.
Your also very, very right. I’ve been in the martial arts since I was eight and I’ve realized how far I am from where I should be., but hey – I’m on the way back.
Oh, and some of the exercises won’t work if you have a bowflex. Shame really.
April 8th, 2009 at 11:15 pm
This is all true.
Also, there is the consideration that beauty is as beauty does.
I don’t expect to ever look prettyboy again. But when I reach my goal fitness level, I will be able to run with some agility again. At the end of that run, I will be able to accurately engage man-sized silhouettes at 20 yards with a pistol, or 75 yards with a rifle, standing on my hind legs. This is not an unreasonable expectation of a shooter.
I don’t much like getting beat out in footraces, either. Sometimes my job would be a LOT easier if I could just run ‘em down.
I don’t like getting in confrontations where I know that a weapon will be needed to subdue my opponent. This is uncommon, but perhaps more common than it was when I went through academy, 15 years and almost 100 pounds ago. Damn it hurt to admit that. (In my current defense, I was REALLY skinny then– I was on the No Fat diet and had less than 9% body fat. Too skinny, frankly.)
When I can do some of the things that I want back again, I wouldn’t be surprised if I actually like what I see in the mirror a little more. Whatever; I just don’t want my options restricted by my body. What fool voluntarily physically handicaps himself?
April 10th, 2009 at 6:09 am
And for the ladies, resistance exercises (weight lifting) increases bone density and helps slow the onset of osteoporosis. And no, you won’t end up looking like Conan, unless you head over to the dark side and start with steroids and testosterone injections.
It also boosts your metabolism.
April 16th, 2009 at 1:40 pm
Why you always gotta pick on the fat kids?
Actually, I’ve been thinking the same thing. Got a new scale the other day. The good news is that I’ve lost ten pounds or so the last few weeks, and I’m 30 pounds down from where I started my last big push. The bad news is that I used to be a lot further along than that.
The other good news is that if I can get my hands on one of the skinny little squirts, I really am likely to be quite a bit stronger than you are and I know a lot of methods of strangulation and bone-breaking.