Everybody has heard of the Fire Triangle, right? Three things are necessary for fire: fuel, heat, and oxygen, and should you remove one element everything collapses and the fire theoretically goes out. I’ve come up with a similar triangle, except it is for how much people suck, and it works backwards.
Look, I know the reason the triangle metaphor works for fire is because if you take a single leg out it all collapses, rather than needing all three legs gone, but I’m going to blame this on the fact that people are clever and can turn a triangle with a missing leg over on its side to a / which will still kinda stand. I’m reaching, you say? Fine. Design your own damn triangle. If yours includes blackjack and hookers, I may even be interested.
As with the fire triangle, there are three elements in this little polygon of human decency: Porn, Pork, and Pets. Take out any one side, and the odds are that you’ve still got a fairly decent person. Consider, there are many folks who find porn distasteful for some reason or other. Well, that’s no deal-breaker as far as being a tolerable person. So long as the person is still down for a good BLT and appreciates a good loyal dog, or a nice cute kitten, I’d be willing to bet we can all still get along. Not ameniable to cats, dogs, guppies and geckos? Again, I’ll look at you askance, but so long as we can ogle various lovelies both artificial and natural over a nice Christmas ham, there’s no need to get too worked up. Don’t like pork chops, but down with porn and pets (though hopefully not at the same time)? Again, probably still a decent enough person.
Take out another leg and see what happens. No porn, no pets? Well, we can discuss the finer points of bacon, but we’re going to run out of conversation before long. Likewise if you hate pork and pets, one can only discuss the exploits of Belladonna for a limited time. If porn and pork are off the table, we can discuss Fluffy for a while, though I suspect this condition is what spawns crazy cat ladies.
Now let’s go one step further. If you hate porn, pork, and pets, what the hell do you do for fun? Wait, you’re gonna tell me there’s a huge swatch of the planet where porn, pork, and pets are right out? I’m suspicious! And now, for a cherry on top, we find that Saudi Arabia has banned selling dogs and cats because you can pick up babes with pets.
So let me get this straight.
No titty mags.
And I can’t use Fido to go out and covertly attract some non-paper boobage, which I couldn’t see anyway because boobs are so horribly corrupting that they and anything attached to them must be hidden from all sight lest I lose my barely-there self control and go on Rapefest 9000.
See, now if I could at least get a ham sandwich in Riyadh, which sounds suspiciously like something you chant to summon an elder god with tentacles for a face anyway, things might just be tolerable. As it stands though, I think the options are either mass deployment of daisy cutters, or to relocate Las Vegas, and give a battalion or two of Marines the best deployment of their lives.
Hell, I think for this plan we might even be able to bring Frankie and the Rat Pack back from the dead to help out.