Atomic Nerds

We’re all familiar with these jackasses. The Obstructionist Brigade is that group of specially trained people with the lightning quick reflexes to deploy at a moment’s notice to where ever it is you happen to be going with the intent of accomplishing something quickly, and thwarting your efforts. Two of them will strike up a conversation in the grocery store, conveniently blocking the entire aisle, while they regale each other with every significant event in their lives, including individual sneezes, since conception. Often they will work in larger teams, positioning these reunions in front of no fewer than half a dozen things you need. Another favorite trick is the baby battalion, who have children specially bred for exceptional lung capacity. These children will scream as they meander slowly about, in your way of course, swerving to and fro as you try vainly to go around, often sustaining their wails for minutes on end without so much as a hitch for breath. I suspect when they grow up, these noise-boxes will be promoted to the conversationalist corps described above, as attempting to insert a polite “Excuse me” into their narrative of All That Has Ever Been is akin to trying to shove Barack Obama’s ego through the eye of a needle.

Another favorite specialty of the brigade is the Detail Oriented. Have you EVER seen anything as fascinating as the ingredient list on that package of cornmeal? Clearly, these people haven’t. Often spending up to fifteen minutes while deciding if a difference of .5% of your RDA of riboflavin per serving should sway this purported consumer between brand A or B, they have been known to establish base camps spreading the length of a full quarter aisle. Foolishly, you think to yourself that you can simply go collect other items and eventually our blocker will complete the grand unified theory of price vs. maltodextrin content and move along. No, it matters not if your shopping list consists of more individual items than the inventory for an expedition through Siberia in January or simply a quick detour for toothpaste, this skilled blocker has found the one place in the world where he or she feels safe, and will not move. At this point, I can already hear the thoughts of a couple readers. “Well just politely ask if they could move a foot or so over!” Fool! You really think that the Obstructionist Brigade would let an agent into the field with so little training for that gambit to succeed? The bare minimum before an operative is allowed into the field includes extensive work in areas such as pretending not to have heard you, inability to parse any language known to man (including that African click-and-whistle thing), and in more advanced cases, the ability to feign death. I once politely asked a bearded gentleman appearing to be in his mid-40s if I could get past him to reach the can of black beans I needed, and was promptly treated to a display of stunningly high level training, as he actually turned to stone as though he had seen Medusa, before my very eyes. The next day, I saw his granite body sitting in the dumpster. Being so well trained, he of course kept his arm across the entire shelf of black beans. I normally do not admit defeat lightly, but in the presence of such a dedicated master, it was an amazing demonstration of his skill, training, and dedication.

For clarity’s sake, I’ve been using the grocery store only as an example. I have frequently encountered agents of this Brigade in every public venue imaginable. Department stores are favorite training grounds for younger agents, as the randomly decoratively arranged merchandise will frequently allow a rookie to block vast tracts of store with no more than a few carefully chosen steps.

Of course, it would do these highly trained specialists a disservice if I neglected to mention their motor pool. Judged among their peers for points on style and speed, this cadre of elite motor-minimalists trains to behave as if under the sincere impression that every molecule in their vehicle will simultaneously explode at the speed of light if their speed exceeds 75% of the posted limit. The only safe place in which to really drop the hammer and actually hit the limit are passing zones. In areas with two lanes or more per direction, they call in reinforcements, skilled drivers unafraid of total protonic reversal who will form often mile-long trains of cars pinning you behind the vehicular glacier as they go around, happily meeting or exceeding the speed limit. These blocking trains serve as score multipliers for the original wheeled sloth, giving serious boosts to the point total, which is a complex equation involving total miles traveled before you successfully get around, the difference between actual velocity and the posted speed limit, and a weighting factor of your particular urgency, determined via the intimate surveillance system which allow speedy deployment to keep you behind schedule.

Since Los Alamos is apparently a major advanced training facility and proving ground for the Obstructionist Brigade, I have of course spent as much time developing and testing strategies to deal with this sinister cabal as I have being impeded by them. Below, I present a brief summary of some of the tactics I have considered, or better, successfully employed, along with a few pros and cons.

*Nuke the site from orbit – it’s the only way to be sure. While this trick will in fact remove all obstructionists, any time savings reaped by navigating an unobstructed sea of glass will be mitigated by time spent in the cancer ward next week. Also, angry clucking noises from the U.N. can be irritating.

*Join the conversation. Since this is a carefully prepared script, specially designed to minimize opportunities for interjections, this can be tricky, but once you get in, the results are wonderful. Lacking any improvisational skills, the blockers will quickly stammer to a halt. Better trained operatives may stammer bland uselessneses such as “Who are you?” or “I’m sorry, this was a private conversation!” Do not relent! Throw their tactics back in their face, and just keep talking! This has a decent success rate, but if you employ it too often in one go, the store manager may become involved.

*Simply reach around the statue-like bean-examiner. If any concerns about personal space are voiced, simply respond that the person looked like they needed a hug. Warning: The person may decide a hug is a good idea. If it comes to this, try to minimize any motions that may be interpreted as grinding while flailing about trying to reach the beans.

*In shopping malls, use the rabbit approach. Take a high-speed course filled with random jinks and jives. Since malls are training grounds for rookies, they usually don’t have the skills to anticipate or keep up. Unfortunately, success is visible from afar, and other frustrated shoppers may try to duck into your wake to take advantage of the path you’re forging. If this continues unchecked, it can lead to a stampede, with you running point. In case of a stampede, do not give in to your first instinct and head for an exit. The momentum of the crowd behind you will crush you before the doors can open. Your best bet to guide the herd closer to the walls and store entrances, and try to peel off unnoticed. Do not attempt to peel off in a store you actually wish to shop in, because if the move fails, the herd will trample anything of value in the makeshift eddy current you just created. While the sight of hundreds of similarly fed-up shoppers can be inspiring, the end results just aren’t worth the extra delay.

*On the road, your options are limited by your horsepower and torque. When the obstructer reaches the passing zone and finally hits the gas, your only option is to have the oomph under the hood to make it around the accelerating idiot and complete the pass before the oncoming car arrives. Be careful though, if you do have the engine power, be advised that the police have been infiltrated by the Obstructionist Brigade, and the officer your specific blocker called ahead to position will not take kindly to your explanation about the Brigade. They treat it like Fight Club, and do not appreciate having the word spread. I have yet to find a successful strategy for the train-blocking style that does not involve cutting someone off, a risky proposition to be sure, since a fender bender is an excellent way to slow you down.

*Move. That’s right, pick up your stuff and find someplace else to live. When we moved from Los Alamos to White Rock, it took the obstructionists about five months to figure out the best ways to block us again. I had the advantage, having grown up in the area, so your mileage may vary. But for a few glorious months, I was able to get things done at exactly the speed and schedule I prefer.

Finally, just as a parting warning, I am aware that this organization is large and powerful. As such, any commenters suggesting that I could simply do with a larger measure of patience will be summarily judged as conspirators, and treated with suspicion henceforth.

Good day, and good luck evading them.

Posted Ranting, japery |