New Ground Rule

July 17, 2014 - 12:44 pm
Irradiated by Stingray

Ok, hippies, that’s quite enough of this bullshit. New rule: If you can’t explain at least one of three of a) what gluten is, b) how it is formed, or c) the specific set of requirements under which avoiding it actually makes sense, you are not allowed to spin your shit up about it.

This gluten-free “bread” I just ate? That’s called sawdust, you trendwhore fucks. It doesn’t taste any better, and I’d bet the cost of lunch any day of the week that the latest dietary scourge is actually not in any way a problem for 95% or more of the people demanding shitty food in service of avoiding the g-word.

God damn it, the one thing hipsterish localvore organic free trade sustainable cruelty free birkenstock clad fixie-bike riding food is supposed to have going for it is that it’s supposed to taste better. When the fucking egg salad sandwich from the national chain grocery store is not only cheaper (half the price of the pretenchou version), tastier (Bread with gluten actually acts like bread! WHO FUCKING KNEW.), bigger, AND COMES ACTUALLY ASSEMBLED AS A GODDAMN SANDWICH INSTEAD OF A FUCKING BOX OF COMPONENTS, you have failed so goddamn hard you should be put on a starvation ration of oxygen so you quit wasting it for the rest of us.

17 Responses to “New Ground Rule”

  1. Phelps Says:

    The studies have been done. People who are “gluten sensitive” aren’t. They are psychosomatic. If you don’t have celiac’s disease, you are NOT gluten sensitive. If you DO have it, you need more treatment than just being an asshole when you order food.

  2. Sigivald Says:

    I will eat their share of gluten.

  3. Geodkyt Says:

    Nor is wheat magically capable of creating more fat than the net gain of calories would indicate. (The “Wheat Belly” diet. There it’s not gluten, or even processed wheat flour — it is wheat, period, that is doubleplusungood. Regardless of how much you are talking about.)

  4. Old NFO Says:

    Good points all, and you’re right sawdust DOES taste better… sigh

  5. LabRat Says:

  6. Wing and a Whim Says:

    Um – the only reason I view most hippies with as much tolerance, monetary support, and affection as I have is because they make good food, good mead, good soap, and good music.

    If they fail at the above, then they’re just annoying, pretentious asses who want to shove their party line at me and whine if I dare disagree. In which case they need a shower with real soap, a haircut, and a job ethic before they have a chance at getting a red cent out of me.

  7. UncommonMurre Says:

    Gluten is the protein that gives bread its lovely chewy texture. That’s why so many gluten-free baked goods have the consistency of sawdust. Some aren’t so bad; egg makes a pretty good substitute for the gluten. But none are as good as real bread.

    Gluten-free is a good thing for taste in those things that never should have had any wheat, rye, or barley in the first place, like sausages or hamburgers.

    The fashion trend is super convenient for those who actually have celiac disease.

  8. Evyl Robot Michael Says:

    Don’t hold back, Stingray. Tell us how you really feel about it.

  9. Dan A Says:

    “The fashion trend is super convenient for those who actually have celiac disease.”

    And this is why I have a hard time complaining about “gluten intolerant” types. As eyeroll-inducing as they are, their stupid dietary restriction lets me go to more restaurants with my friend who has celiacs.

  10. Spear Says:

    What I want to know is why on earth you ordered gluten free in the first place? Surely you knew better.

  11. Stingray Says:

    Because “Gluten free by request” apparently meant “by default so we can get rid of this shit.”

  12. Kristophr Says:

    Gluten-only bread would actually be pretty good.

    Chewy protein, with less carbohydrates.

  13. Eric Hammer Says:

    Tell me about it. I am allergic to seafood and poultry, which makes eating at Sodexo style cafeteria’s pretty much impossible, because apparently anything made from hoofed mammals is too unhealthy to countenance. Which, ok, that’s fine, story of my life and it isn’t like they are serving just me. But when this silly trend of “grains that are not grains” becomes the standard, I really can’t help but want to scream “This is your idea of healthy options?!” with a few dozen expletives attached as the situation deems.

  14. Joseph in IL Says:

    Here’s the thing that just irritates me to no end.

    Gluten-free markings…… on vegatables…….. I s**t you not.

    It’s gone from something that Celiacs have to have (legitamately) to a f**kin marketing ploy. It spurs really stupid conversations (like the one I had with the guy selling “healing magnets” at the mall).

    And when some of these people speak, I just want to punch them in their ill informed, self-righteous mouth. Especially when they drone on and on about how gluten is “poisonous” to the body.

    Fine. I’ll help Sigivald eat their portion of gluten.

    Technically, I am a hippie. (Long hair, nature loving, folk music listening.) And I know several people who know their suppliers personally when they make mead (they live in the hives in the back of their property).

  15. Rick C Says:

    “Because “Gluten free by request” apparently meant “by default so we can get rid of this shit.””

    Which is funny when you consider restaurants that charge *extra* for gluten-free bread.

    @Joseph in IL: hey, veggies *are* gluten-free. Just like they’re lactose-free.

  16. Tam Says:

    @Joseph in IL: hey, veggies *are* gluten-free. Just like they’re lactose-free.

    …and vegan!

  17. tweell Says:

    The present trend does make it easier to take care of my mother, who actually has celiac disease. The problem is that once the trendy move on to something else, it’s going to be a cast-iron witch to find gluten-free ‘bread’ for her again.