I learned it from watching Lawdog!

June 25, 2013 - 11:33 pm
Irradiated by Stingray

Ok, don’t get your hopes up that we’re coming back full time. I’m going to try to post more frequently, but those of you who still stop by have probably noticed that hasn’t been going so well. But tonight, tonight I wound up with a special snowflake I just had to share with everybody. As the title implies, I may have gained some inspiration from everybody’s favorite Texas cop LawDog (or he’s your second favorite and you prefer someone else, there’s room for differences of opinion).

Partway through this afternoon, my very own little close-enough-to-prepaid cell phone, FUT*, alerts me to an incoming text message.

Hola amor

Fine. It’s a wrong number, I will just ignore it. An hour or two later,

Amor I got a new number

Terrific, skippy. I guess you didn’t import your old phone’s settings. More ignoring. Finally, many hours later, as it grew late and I grew weary of a world of idiots,

Amor I got a new #

This was around 11pm. Thank you, but that’s enough. I engaged, and replied

Sorry, Mario. Your amor is at a different number.

Things did not improve from here.

Who is this

I’m the wrong number you keep calling amor. I know love is blind but this is pushing it.

But who r u

It’s a little early in the relationship to get that metaphysical.

What…I’m just asking who u r

At this point, it was late and I was bored. I popped the number into google, and came up with the president of a small tax business in Santa Fe. In the grand tradition of TV psychics, a theme that will come up again later, I ran with it.

I’m a thought experiment, Andrew. I’m the answer to the question “What if the wrong number is bored?”

What do u do
What r u doing

I have a very particular set of skills. Skills that make me a nightmare for people slow on the uptake. But I do my own taxes, so I’m good there if you’re looking for business.

What do u mean a nightmare for people slow on the uptake

I dug a little further on the info I’d found.

Well you’d think by 54 years old one would have learned a) what a wrong number is, and b) that Andres and Ray might appreciate a bit more technological savvy from a partner.

Andres and Ray were listed as the vice president and treasurer of the company.

Ooooo so what r u dedicated to

Wheeled performance analysis delivery. Everybody needs a hobby. Y’know, besides this.

What? I love derby reffing.

Besides what

See what I mean about “slow”? Crystal says good night. Take care, amor. I grow bored again.

I threw the net a little wider and found another probable hit on facebook, so I figured there’s nothing really for me to lose in this, let’s see if Crystal gets a hit.

Wait I don’t think we r done talking…What do u mean slow…and who’s crystal

Swing and a miss. Oh well.

You ever see those tv shows where psychics talk to people’s dead relatives, Andy? Do I really have to draw a map here?

Yea u do…I’m slow

Admitting it is the first step. You with me that we don’t know each other, that I’m not amor? Follow up, do you know what a “wrong number” is?


Those of you in NM hearing a sudden thunderclap with clear skies, that would have been the sound of my facepalm.

To which question? Specificity is the soul of good communication.

The second question

Jesus, really?

What is it?

Apparently an anachronism. It is a term which means you have (historically) dialed, or more currently, texted, a number that is not correct to contact the person you desire. It puts you in contact with an arbitrary stranger, who may just be bored enough to mess with you if “wrong number” is too complicated. Good night, Andrew, now go away.

At which point I put the number on ignore. Fifty bucks says this idiot votes, too.

*Fucking Useless Toy. It never works when I need it to, so functionally it is a toy.

15 Responses to “I learned it from watching Lawdog!”

  1. Art Welling Says:

    Thank you for sharing, if only so I’m assured I’m not the only one who does things like this.

    Color me chuckling into my coffee mug…..

  2. Tam Says:

    You have inspired me.

    Having a Virgin Mobile cell phone in a major metropolitan area code means my phone number is smack in the middle of a block of numbers used by… we’ll call them “low information voters”.

    I resolve to start having more fun with my frequent accidental callers…

  3. Jennifer Says:

    This is why unlimited text is worth every penny.

  4. Tatyana Says:

    See how useful it is to have a blog, after all – where else could you vent?

    I feel sorry for the clients of that tax business…as a matter of fact, I feel sorry for myself, after allowing my tax accountant to screw up my forms, so now it will take me 16 more weeks to get my refund – if I will at all…

  5. JD(not the one with the picture) Says:

    You are apparently a nicer guy than I am (yes, I know it’s hard to believe). The second time he asked who I was I would have texted “I’m the guy who’s banging your amor”.

  6. Stingray Says:

    That reply did cross my mind…

  7. Mark Says:

    It could have been worse. He could have taken the first clue and left you nothing to blog about. :)

  8. Will Says:

    Sad. Sadder still, I was bored enough to read that crap to the end.

  9. Stingray Says:

    Love you too, sunshine.

  10. Tatyana Says:

    JD: wrong tactic. He would have replied with “what is banging”

  11. leaperman621 Says:

    Fucking priceless!

  12. perlhaqr Says:

    Those of you in NM hearing a sudden thunderclap with clear skies, that would have been the sound of my facepalm.

    Oh. I thought that was just the neighbor’s house blowing over in the 450mph winds we were having.

    Man. I’ve gotten a few wrong number texts, but they usually go away after I tell them they have the wrong number.

  13. Joe Says:

    Back before email there were fax machines …on dedicated lines. Ours was 1 number off from an ob/gyn. We also had the world’s worst joker. A whole lot of people got told the rabbit died.

  14. socal_or_bust Says:

    This story bored me to the point of nap time. Sorry man! Come up with some new material to joust other living souls out there… Yanking some poor smoes chain isnt my idea of time well spent… But if that’s what gets your freak on then I guess you deemed it note worthy.

    It must be nice to be better than everyone else.

  15. Sparrowkin/Laura K Says:

    I got an incomplete text one night saying “I’m pregnant and you are the baby’s father”

    I’ve got a younger sister, a cousin and a brother in that area code, who were not on caller id at the time–so two potential senders, one potential recipient.

    Awkward conversation with sister. Awkward conversation with cousin. (along the lines of ‘hell, I do not want to pry but do you need any help?’)No barefoot impregnated young women chasing brother. Despite my unfailing track-record of getting cast as men Every. Time. I’ve. Auditioned. In. Theater, that particular skill set is not in my tool shed. Mystery remains.

    Stingray, I’m kind of glad you messed with what passes for this guy’s head. Somehow I wish I could drink or smoke weed, though because there’s a surreal quality to that text conversation that seems like being high would take it to a whole other level….

    Glad you guys are writing again. Can’t imagine I can do anything to help with whatever still is not all the way resolved, but please let me know if I am wrong.