Irradiated by Stingray
Another day, another mass shooting. Let’s get the checklist, hmm?
Hysterical media spewing anything in order to be first rather than right? Check.
Anti-gun groups drumming their worn-out blame-the-tool beat? Check.
Rabid chest-thumping NOT ON MY WATCH from the pro-gun side? Check.
Blog posts with token sympathy for the victims prefacing “HEY WE CAN MAKE THE PRO-GUN SIDE LOOK BETTER”? Check.
Interviews with weeping relatives where the media figure pretends as hard as they can to give a fuck? Well, it’s still early but I’m going to go out on a limb and check this one off too.
Congratulations, humanity. We’ve made mass-murder more formulaic than an episode of “Seinfeld.” If anybody needs me, I’ll just be over here assembling these cold-forged girders with cores of pure selenium.*
*And if you get the reference, you’re welcome to lend a hand. Just think of something cooler at the appropriate time than the last go round.