Irradiated by Stingray
But not that way, though when your sense of exploration peters out at how there are so many smurfs with just one smurfette* with a thick cloud of funny smoke around you and the tv in college, one can see where the confusion might stem from.
Which means that at one point there were a bunch of people flying hamsters with tiny erections to exotic locations in the name of science. Which I think is just proof that scientists are high all the time.
Look you mentally inadequate little shit, take your pick. We can a) freeze in the dark because OMG SCIENCE HARD, which I know is the default position given how easy it is to freak the shitballs out of people by bringing in any math harder than fucking 2+2, or b) we can try to figure shit out.
If, being only sometimes up to the task of balancing a checkbook, you would like those of us of stiffer mental discipline to figure said shit out for you, we will need to test things. In the course of this, there’s a couple options. We can either test things on non-humans and wind up with stuff that looks oddball and freaky, or we can just jump straight in to “Hey Cletus, wanna make a dollar?” and get villified for torturing people oh god the humanity, how could you that’s evil stop it you monster. As for what we’re figuring out, we can either stare with fixed monomania until a solution presents itself via fucking magic, or we can figure out every last goddamn thing we can and use the results from the latter to find the magic necessary for the former.
Guess which way works better.
And just to head off one popular line of stammering borderline-anencephalic attempt at pearl-clutching rebuttal, no, they have not yet cured cancer, aids, and the heartbreak of psoriasis, so yes there are “better” things they could be working on. But let’s just keep in mind that even the viagra in the jetlagged hamster study was not originally intended as a cock pill but instead for blood pressure and cardiac angina, and now we’ve got more ways for people to get boners than we have to treat diabetes, so if you want to stick with “Eureka!” instead of “Huh, that’s not what I was expecting” as your primary model of scientific discovery, congratulations you are now entitled to use technology roughly as advanced as a brick. Give or take.
Want to double down on this case-in-point? First Pfizer noticed that their blood pressure patients weren’t doing that much better but were getting a lot more stiffies, leading to unintentional ED treatment. After that, they found out that this little blue cash cow is good for severe altitude sickness and can prevent and treat pulmonary edema, which as an actual life-threatening condition, means “Why’s this guy hard all the time?” has gone on to have a second “Huh, that’s weird” which has actually saved human lives. The fact that any lives saved, given standard samples of humanity, are probably too stupid to appreciate it and will spend the rest of their extended stay making jokes about how their dick got so big it scared off all the tiny bad men making their heart splodey-splodey, while irritating, does not detract from the fact that the odds approach one that someone was looking at the study in early phases and saying “Lol, that’s stupid and you’re stupid for studying it.”
So yeah, I’ll take the team that’s actually curious and just wants to figure shit out over the pretentious skidmark who expects greatness from simply putting on a labcoat and stroking his or her beard dramatically.
Tracing back to its roots, the original Mesopotamian word for science translated literally becomes “Hey Ingkot, check this weird shit out!” So yes, science is frequently weird, and involves weird shit like jetlagging hamsters and giving them viagra. Granted, science can also be a bit impenetrable at times since there’s at least one of you nodding and thinking “That sounds right, I bet he even looked that up,” about the translation thing, but honestly, what were you expecting it to be? How the fuck do you expect to figure something new out if you just stick to being amazed at the bean-in-a-cup you did in Kindergarten? Actually, given the nontrivial percentage of the population for whom that damn near counts as magic, never mind. Don’t answer that.
So fuck off, go enjoy chanting “ha ha, that test is stupid you’re stupid” in your cold frozen fireless cave, and let the big boys who actually can nut up and do something drag you all kicking and screaming into a world with ipods and viagra that you’d shit your collective pants so hard we could achieve light speed if it was announced that such would no longer exist. Don’t say “thank you” for these things either, because fuck you that’s not what the goal is. We want to figure shit out because figuring shit out is fucking awesome. If you dense overgrown coathanger-targets get some benefit out of that, good for you but kindly get the fuck out of our way while you’re drooling in rapture over last month’s “Huh” moment.
*And then you didn’t even run that ball far enough to argue whether or not the smurfs are mammals, you fucking philistine.