Bad Form, But Satisfying.

May 13, 2011 - 5:55 pm
Irradiated by Stingray
Comments Off

Yesterday involved taking LabRat to the airport so she could go look after her mother for a bit. I’ve been opposed to her flying, but at the end of the day it’s her call, and I can see the reasons that led to her decision even if I wouldn’t have reached the same conclusion myself.

Expecting the highest professionalism the TSA is capable of, I opted to come in and watch her clear security to make sure they didn’t discover that my Kindle was suddenly on the banned objects list, or some similar effort to make the skies safer. With a mid-week mid-afternoon flight, the lines weren’t too bad, so I picked a vantage spot where I could see the goons and watch with quiet anger the violation of my wife near the entrance point to the maze-like line path.

She proceeds along. Everything seems to be going as smoothly as it could, and I didn’t even try to kick Tom Parsons’s kids when they got into line, simply stood waiting for the “They’re not banning anything” wave or the more likely “Here, take this home for me” walk. About ten minutes in, as she’s nearing the look-at-my-tits machine, a blue-gloved shaved-headed squirt, young enough I doubt both balls had dropped yet (or really, ever will) began striding at me With Purpose. Posted a day after the fact in order to avoid having this simply turn into a Carlin-esque litany of compound curses, dialog is slightly paraphrased, but accurate enough for government work.

“Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to either enter the line for processing to board your flight, or to leave. You cannot loiter observing a security checkpoint.”
“I’m waiting on my wife to get through with her stuff intact.”
“I’m sorry sir you will have to either enter the line for processing or leave immediately.”
At this point, I saw LabRat raise her arms to make sure the highly professional security apparatus had a clear view of her crotch.
“And as soon as you fucking little thieving perverts decide whether or not something shiny in my wife’s carry-on is banned all of a sudden or not, I’ll be on my way. Now either get a real cop and charge me with something or go fuck yourself you petty little shit.”

He turned an interesting shade of purple, and scampered (no, really. Totally different walk than the one on his way up to me. Kinda funny, really.) off, presumably to find help in either charging me with contempt of Stasi thug or someone a little better than half my size to help him pig-pile me. LabRat waved back that apparently none of the stuff in her bag was cool enough for them to want to steal this week, so away I walked.

I probably could’ve handled that better.

No Responses to “Bad Form, But Satisfying.”

  1. Nancy R. Says:

    You are my hero.

  2. Ambulance_Driver Says:

    You. Complete. Me.

  3. Eric Says:

    The look of oh-shit-what-do-I-do-now on the face of the TSA operative upon having his (non)authority questioned sounds priceless.

    I just got back from a cross country trip to California and am pleased to report that I have yet to see one of those mm wave or backscatter machines.

  4. DaddyBear Says:

    No, I think you handled that with all of the kindness and politeness the person you were speaking to deserved.

  5. breda Says:

    I heart you SO VERY VERY HARD.

  6. Joat Says:

    So if for some reason you do try an fly somewhere we will all be hearing about it on the news, “10 TSA agents injured or killed in rage incident at New Mexico airport.”

  7. Ruth Says:

    I agree with Nancy personally!

    As much as I love my husband I doubt he’d have stood up nearly as well. He knows people find his size intimidating, and generally attempts to minimize the impact. (We work well together that way, I let him attract attention then I jump’em from behind, nobody ever looks twice at me for threats)

  8. perlhaqr Says:

    I probably could’ve handled that better.

    No sir, you could not have. :)

  9. perlhaqr Says:

    Joat: My plan for avoiding being at the center of that story, should circumstance force me to fly, is to just be insulting the whole time.

    “Nah, I don’t feel like getting microwaved today. I’ll take the hand job.”

  10. JC Says:

    Nice job ‘Ray. Perfectly nuanced response to the provocation.

  11. David, Chandler, AZ Says:

    No. No, that was just about right.

  12. Alex Says:

    That sir, was fucking awesome!

  13. AJD Says:

    I’m thinking that you handled that quite well, and with all of the restraint any reasonable adult could expect.

    (Of course, it seems that there are very few reasonable adults involved in making any of the decisions that the rest of us are forced to deal with.)

  14. Kristopher Says:

    Be sure to wear your kilt, perlhaqr. And insist in a male doing the search … hetero-searches are actually unlawful … heh.

  15. Morris Says:

    “I probably could’ve handled that better.”

    Actually, you handled that just right..

  16. RobertM Says:

    If I’m ever faced with a similar situation I hope I can remember to handle it as well as you handled this.

  17. Roberta X Says:

    Duuude!

    Yeah, I don’t think you could have handled that better.

    You didn’t hurt the guy, nor were you in any way unclear; you didn’t limit any of his options. Why, you even encouraged the poor tyke’s hobby!

  18. Justin Says:

    Just in case you have a need to angry up the blood, TSA has a blog!

    http://blog.tsa.gov/

  19. Wing and a Whim Says:

    I fear you’ve inspired my husband to follow your example. I’ll know if he parks the car instead of dropping me off in two days…

  20. Robert Says:

    Well spoken, sir.

  21. Sarah Says:

    I think you did a fine job.

    Hopefully, the little thug had to change his drawers after his chat with you.

  22. Lisa Simeone Says:

    BRAVO, Sir! You are a hero.

  23. Tatyana Says:

    So when he returned with five clones of himself, he found nobody to harass?
    I bet he presented it as a win to his buddies

  24. Borepatch Says:

    [perlhaqr] “Nah, I don’t feel like getting microwaved today. I’ll take the hand job.”

    This is a seriously brilliant suggestion. We need a nation wide “When Harry Met Sally” campaign at TSA patdowns.

    Alinsky rules: 5. “Ridicule is man’s most potent weapon. It is almost impossible to counteract ridicule. Also it infuriates the opposition, which then reacts to your advantage.”

  25. Kevin Baker Says:

    “I probably could’ve handled that better.”

    Not. Possible.

    Actually killing him would have only provided a momentary pleasure and would have bound to get you talked about.

    I stand in awe.

  26. Kristopher Says:

    Totally off topic:
    http://www.cracktwo.com/2011/04/best-way-to-teach-children-about.html

  27. geekWithA.45 Says:

    I salute you sir.

    (From someone who opts out of the scanner, every. single. time.)

  28. Instinct Says:

    I salute you sir!

    Next time I got to Albq. International I’m going to be chuckling the whole time.

  29. Jenny Says:

    Wing –

    Fear? I hope encouraged. :)

    Stingray… awesome.
    Well done, sir.

  30. Jeffersonian Says:

    “I probably could’ve handled that better.”

    I agree. You forgot to bring the thug’s head home in a sack.

  31. Holly Says:

    I guarantee you that “bystanders can’t look at the security screening” is not an official regulation anywhere, much less an actual law. He was telling you that either out of complete ignorance of his own job or for a petty power trip.

    Normally I’m a little bothered by people giving the low-level lackeys a hard time, but in this case, since the guy was playing the bullshit “I can make up any rule I want because I have a uniform” game, good for you.

  32. Kristopher Says:

    Thanx, Stingray.

    Next time take an obvious video recorder.

    I want to see video of the retard getting purple and running.

  33. Stan Says:

    Well since things didn’t involve defenestration or castration you were quite circumspect.

  34. Old NFO Says:

    LOVE it! Perfect response!!! :-)

  35. kahr40 Says:

    Perfect.

  36. BS Footprint Says:

    That’s too funny!

    I disagree with the title: Good Form!

    Linked at BS Footprint.

  37. Jenny Says:

    Normally I’d agree about not giving low-level lackeys a hard time, but this is the TSA. The whole organization is founded on a BOR violation, and in ten years they’ve gone from glorified mallcops to people willingly going to work to commit sexual assault as a part of their jobs.
     
    The more TSA agents spend their breaks crying in the bathroom over treatment like Stingray dished out, the better.
     
    I want the job to be so despised that TSA agents are embarrassed to answer the question “what do you do for a living?” I want “applying to work for the TSA” to be be just slightly more humiliating than explaining to your parents you’ve been arrested for possessing child porn. I want the very sight of that white shirt to provoke such scornful laughter and gutter jokes that wearing one in public can lead to a nervous breakdown.
     
    I want all that not because I want them to suffer – they’re just peons taking a miserable ‘banality of evil’ job. But I want the consequences of that job to be so horrible that no one on a power trip finds it the least bit tempting. So reviled that no one could possibly think invading their fellow citizens’ privacy is a route to respect or power. So disgraceful that there’s not a soul in the country who could consider it a fig-leafed way to get their jollies.
     
    I want to live in a country that really does value liberty over security.
     
    And that’s why I applaud Stingray. Not just because he took the husband’s perogative – though that’s wonderful to see – but also because he publicly stuck his neck out to make that banal evil unpleasant for those perpetuating it.
     
    rah you!

  38. BS Footprint Says:

    @Jenny

    Excellent suggestion! Shaming and Shunning could be quite effective. Though I’m not so sure they’d get it.

  39. jb Says:

    There are those times for which profanity was invented.

    You happened upon a perfect storm. Good show.

  40. Heather Says:

    While I vehemently disagree with making the front line TSA workers’ lives miserable for doing there job, this I heartily approve of. He got exactly what he deserved for attempting such a power trip. I can see why they’d prefer not to have random people simply watching and learning and trying to figure ways around the system. I can even see speaking to the observer and asking them to leave. What I can’t condone was finding out that he wasn’t some loony, but simply a person watching out for their spouse, and then going off on a power trip anyways.
    Well done sir!

  41. seeker_two Says:

    Heather: “While I vehemently disagree with making the front line TSA workers’ lives miserable for doing there job”….

    I don’t. They chose to do this job, so they are willing accomplices in this violation of the BOR….they should be treated as such….

    Well played, Stingray!….

  42. DJ Says:

    Perfection!

    Now, how about a followup: Did anyone else hear it and have any reaction to it? Oh, to have a video …

  43. TJIC Says:

    AWESOME.

    The most I’ve screwed w a TSA agent recently was making him feel my balls.

    I’ve got no health concerns against backscatter radar, but if I can force a government employee to fondle me without even buying him a dinner, that’s the sort of degradation that I enjoy handing out to statist pukes.

  44. Jenny Says:

    Heather – if they don’t want to be mocked relentlessly as closet pervs*, there are any number of career options in this country that don’t involve forcing people through naked picture machines or feeling up kids.
     

    Every day they show up to work and agree to implement those policies, they’re signing their name on the dotted line agreeing to exactly whatever they get.
     

     

    ——-
    * the bad kind, I mean. :p

  45. Cormac Says:

    So your launguage was “vulgar” (though that’s arguable…).

    The job they do is exactly as you described it…and worse! I’d say you showed that little shit-hole exactly the respect he deserved.

    Who the fuck do these ass-hats think they are? “You’re not allowed to watch us do what we do.” Really? Am I mistaken in assuming that they are public employees? If they’re not handling information of a sensitive nature, they I have every right in the world to sit with a bucket of popcorn and make sure that you empty-sacked bastards don’t cross a line with any of my fellow Americans!

    I am sorry that I may not have the option to use a similar line on them in the future…Damn these Texas law-makers and their pursuit of legislation that will actually make things better! :-D

  46. Billy Beck Says:

    That was perfect. How I know this? BTDT.

    Perhaps most notably was Detroit, where I was not impressed with the TSA shitbag or the pair of National Guardies who turned up replete with their empty M-16’s. “You idiots either go get someone with authentic arrest powers or shut your insipid mouths.” The horror throughout security was palpable.

    Believe it or not: a Wayne County Sheriff’s Deputy walked by just about then. All official eyes turned to him for appeal, and he said, “It’s not my problem,” and kept right on walking.

    So did I.

    To hell with these punks, instanter.

  47. Heather Says:

    “THEIR” job. THEIR. I can’t believe that got past my own internal filter. I blame the fact I’m heavily medicated. And I agree to disagree with those who have different view points from me :)

  48. George Says:

    “While I vehemently disagree with making the front line TSA workers’ lives miserable for doing there job”

    Besides the fact that they chose the job, consider that they DO have latitude in HOW they perform the job and how they act. They can either do it with professionalism- just do the job without trying to make it overbearing, OR they can be first class jackasses and perverts, pull the “Respect Mah Authoritah!” schtick and just be little tyrants.

    Guess which one they so often choose?

    Having worked for both the fed and my state’s gov’t, I have ALWAYS tried to defer to the taxpayers as much as possible and give them as much respect as I can. It’s all in how you choose to do the job. I will enforce our regs, but I will try to be polite with the person I’m dealing with as much as possible and try to be easygoing instead of going down the “Respect Mah AUTHORITAH!” road, which would just piss people off.

  49. Al Terego Says:

    @ George: overbearing jackasses, perverts, and little tyrants?

    Ah, but those are the perks of the posts for the pervs who people them. Just an even lesser version of way too many of the little demigods at your local popo.

    And the former like the latter have the ability to really fuck up your day, week, or year…regardless of, or even because of, your delivery of a vituperative smackdown worthy of crankyprof (I miss her!). Escalation will go in their favor. And if I am involved, eventually there will be escalation. So I’ll drive.

    Stingray did a good job tongue-lashing this little Fife wannabe. But if he did come back with Andy, Gomer, and the Mayor, it’s probably a good thing ‘ray was gone by then.

    AT

  50. Al Terego Says:

    And as to escalation, one can only imagine what might ensue if Labrat *doesn’t* “get through with her “stuff intact”…but of course at that point one does what one must, doesn’t one?

    So yeah, I better drive or stay home.

  51. MiniMedic Says:

    Hey Labrat, can I borrow your husband sometime in July when I have to endure the TSA? (My own beloved will be somewhere in the middle of AfghanIraq by then.)

  52. Oleg Volk Says:

    Anything short of the well-deserved termination is being nice to TSA. And well-deserved termination is not practical at this time. Fortunately for the airport perverts, most people who feel strongly enough about their misdeeds to put sufficiently terminal responses into being simply choose to avoid commercial aviation.

  53. | Popehat Says:

    [...] Events var addthis_product = 'wpp-257'; var addthis_config = {"data_track_clickback":true};THE COUNTRY’S IN THE VERY BEST OF HANDS. “Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to either enter the line for processing to board your [...]

  54. Jess Says:

    TSA agents have all been assimilated.

  55. Teke Says:

    Stingray You’re my Hero!!!

    [...] TSA Thug made to go cry in his milk and cookies. [...]

    Next time I fly I think I will use @perlhaqr’s option of opting for the hand job.

    Maybe even need to perfect the Duck Job Shit for them.

    I wonder. Can I say no I want him. and Pick the one most insecure in his manhood to play with my balls?

  56. SayUncle » How to deal with TSA Says:

    [...] stingray: And as soon as you fucking little thieving perverts decide whether or not something shiny in my [...]

  57. Dirk Says:

    Long-time reader, first time commenter.

    Perfectly handled, sir. I salute you!

  58. Ed Says:

    Sir,
    You are my hero too.

    The problem I see for the future is the DHS insistence that this same anti-Constitutional behavior will be STANDARD at buses, trains, boats, and ball games. And we are all supposed to be good little sheeple and acquiesce with good grace to this horrid treatment.

    It irked me intensely to read the TSA excuse that our complaints about them violating out 4th Amendment Constitutional rights is UnConstitutional ( see below )

    http://blog.tsa.gov/2011/05/texas-house-of-representatives-seeking.html

    It can only get worse, and I fear it will never get better.

    In the meantime, we drive, or take a boat, or a train until they make it impossible. And then we will bloody well walk, until that becomes impossible. But I will be damned if my family will go through this.

    Thank you for being a good example to many.

  59. Joe Mama Says:

    “You cannot loiter observing a security checkpoint.”

    So what do they do to the folks that actually went through the checkpoint and saw the same process as anyone standing off to the side, flash them with one of those “Men in Black” memory-zapper-pens? (which I’m sure is TSA standard-issue).

  60. cb Says:

    Nope — you handled that exactly right.

  61. Jake Says:

    “I probably could’ve handled that better.”

    Not without ending up in jail for assault. Bravo, sir.

  62. Todd Says:

    Next time I fly I’m going to use zinc oxide paste to write the words “Suck It” on my chest along with an arrow pointing to my crotch. It is x-ray opaque, so the pedos in the back room can see it. Zinc oxide is the diaper rash paste (white stuff) for those of you considering using it. Just make sure to wipe it off before you get on the plane.

  63. Sam Says:

    ROFL I almost burst out with laughter and frightened my city gov ‘coworkers’ slumbering in their little cubes. :)))))

  64. Steve Bodio Says:

    Want to back us up when we fly to New England this fall? (;-)

  65. Armageddon Rex Says:

    @ Billy Beck:

    As one of the National Guard troops stationed at an airport immediately after 9/11, I can assure you the M-16s were not “unloaded”. In my unit, they were normally carried with a full 20 round magazine inserted in the rifle but no round in the chamber.
    Was that policy half assed and ignorant for that situation?
    Probably!
    Did we have any negligent discharges?
    No.
    Were we quick to chamber a round the few times we felt it was necessary?
    Yes we were.
    Was racking the charging handle an effective deterrent that defused the situation?
    In my experience, just as effectively as racking the pump of a 12 gauge!!!

    It’s also the way I carried my M-4 in Iraq until I expected shooting to start or upon exiting a vehicle in a dangerous area. Shooting your rifle/carbine from a moving vehicle sounds great until you try it and realize you usually can’t hit $hit you’re aiming at in a lurching, bouncing tactical vehicle. Besides, that’s why they put an armored cupola and belt fed weapon on top :>}
    In my state, the law utilized to “activate” National Guard troops was the same one used to “deputize” the militia as “Peace Officers” in the event of a serious riot or to prevent looting following a disaster. We had full law enforcement authority. Our standing orders were to “arrest” nobody. As the JAG officer who briefed us said, and I’m paraphrasing here: “Even highly trained and experienced law enforcement officers have an unacceptably high false-arrest rate. That’s why you will ‘detain’ people until a professional LEO arrives to take custody of them and make a final arrest determination.”
    I loved that guy! I think it was one of the most useful JAG briefings I ever received!

    While I was stationed at the airport, there was no TSA yet. It was just a twisted dream in the minds of fascist, progressive, Democrat party apparatchiks. The FAA and the County Sheriffs Department ran airport security. The baggage and passenger screeners were employed by a private security company and were generally courteous to the traveling public. In a few cases they were overly obsequious. The most useful thing the National Guard accomplished at the airport where I was stationed was to force the screeners to start enforcing the FAA restrictions and procedures by the book. Before that, many of the screeners took a very laid back attitude to the whole process, and quality control / consistency was nonexistent from one screener to the next. Just as happens all to often today, the mild mannered house wife or grandma they suspect wouldn’t squawk would get the fifth degree, while the tough looking Hispanic…or was he Arabic, it’s sometimes difficult to tell, olive skin, dark eyes, dark hair and mustache, would get waved through everything but the walk through the metal detector. If we felt someone hadn’t been screened thoroughly and in compliance with the regulations we would “detain” that person or their luggage until it had been re-screened in compliance with the regulations. Other than that it was all just security theatre, and we were a camouflaged speed bump.
    Hooahhh!

  66. Billy Beck Says:

    “As one of the National Guard troops stationed at an airport immediately after 9/11, I can assure you the M-16s were not ‘unloaded’.”

    Yes, sir: that year, they were. It had been a matter of common reporting that they were carrying ammunition but empty weapons. I made a point of it to those two that morning: they were going to have to load-up if they were going to shoot me.

  67. Ash Says:

    @Armageddon Rex

    “The TSA was a twisted dream in the minds of fascist, progressive, Democrat party apparatchiks” after September 11?

    That’s odd. I would have sworn Bush was a Republican, and the Senate was split 50/50 at the time. And yet you say the TSA was a creation of the Democrats?

  68. Dirk Says:

    @Ash

    I sure didn’t see the Democrats move to dismantle it or change/improve the functioning of it when they had full control of the House and Senate for a couple years…. In fact, it’s gone from a mild annoyance to a full-out assault on our rights and civil liberties.

  69. Geodkyt Says:

    TSA was a demand laid out by the Democrats — it was Tom Daschle (D-SD, Senate Majority Leader) who said, “You can’t professionalize unless you federalize.”

    http://abcnews.go.com/2020/GiveMeABreak/story?id=123823&page=1

    Republican amendments to make the screening function a PRIVATE duty, with federal standards, were repeatedly defeated — often without even being brought to a vote.

  70. scott in phx az Says:

    You had me at –

    “And as soon as you fucking little thieving perverts”

    ROTFLMAO!

  71. Russ Nelson Says:

    I much prefer the passive-aggressive approach. “Thank you for letting me know”. or just “Thank you.” but not moving.

  72. Karl Says:

    Story linked at Ushanka.us, where we sell TSA gloves with every CommieObama hat.

  73. Phallus Says:

    F*ckin’ A.

  74. Gay_Cynic Says:

    Well done, sir. I shall try and emulate your style and grace in my next encounter with the minions of evil.

  75. Yuri Orlov Says:

    You sir, are simply amazing! Bravo!

  76. Braden Lynch Says:

    Well said! I hope you ruined his day and I hope he quits. I think all Americans should make their lives so miserable that they all quit and leave us alone. Instead, let the airlines be responsible for their own security. We can vote with our feet and wallets then for those that treat us right.

    Couldn’t we send the link to this to the TSA blog?

    Let ‘em know what we really think of them.

    I had the “date-rape” pleasure of the enhanced pat down without the date, because I refused to get even more radiation in my life.

    The whole thing is useless. Terrorists will next time use a body cavity hiding technique for explosives. So, they are already well ahead of what the TSA is screening for when looking incorrectly for the bomb while ignoring the bomber!

    How about having “muslim” and “non-muslim” security lines with extra scrutiny for the former, and only a little for the later? Now that is efficient use of our resources.