Atomic Nerds

I wish I could give you folks an mp3 of this, but thanks to the timing involved that just wasn’t possible. You’ll have to take my word that this is really how it went down.

Some months ago, due to reasons that I would love to bitch about but probably shouldn’t, I had to set up a laptop for one of my bosses with some business plan software on it. The easiest plan to get this done involved my name going into the software company’s computers instead of hers. Since then, I’ve gotten a little spam from them about their other products and services, but nothing major. Today, this changed. Today, they started trying to pimp their Business Plan Coaching service by phone. What is business plan coaching, you ask? Beats the hell out of me, but apparently it’s

“…to help you pursue your goals of business financing, show you how to develop a business plan that includes cash flow, pursue business growth by applying best practices to your plan, help you develop strategies for implementing your plan, hold you accountable to follow through and complete vital tasks, and to provide the experience and needed motivation to help you succeed!”

Among other things. Now I’ll be the last to begrudge anyone the chance to make a buck, but everything about this from the get go has seemed about half a step away from a headset and making sure the camera guy was following this. Today’s calls served only to reinforce this impression.

“Hello?”
“Hi! May I speak to Stingray?”
“Speaking.”
“My name is Heidi*, and I’m with {Personal Business Coaching}, do you have a few moments to talk about our services?”

After a bit of futher conversation, it was arranged that one of their Personal Coaches would call me back in half an hour to see if I was in need of Personal Coaching. If they had actually waited a full half hour instead of jumping the gun and calling ten minutes later, the rest of this might be a lot funnier, and accompanied by mp3. Oh well, can’t win ‘em all.

“Hi, may I speak to Stingray?”
“Speaking!”
“I’m Sarah**, a personal coach with {Personal Business Coaching}, and I’ve got a message that you may be interested in our service! May I ask how you heard of us? Did you download {software title}, or get our publication?”
“The software. Yeah, I needed a new business plan.”
“That’s great! A good business plan is always a good path forward. Is your company an existing business, or are you new to all this?”
“We’re existing, we’ve been around a couple years.”
“That’s great, and how are you doing? Are things going well? The economy has really been hammering small business owners.”
“Actually, we’re running a pretty good profit. Even with the economy, people still need porn*** when they’re bored and feeling down. It’s really a pretty stable vehicle, but you know how it is, there are always little gotchas and problems.”
“Um.. ok. So are you having any trouble with your business that we could help with?”
“Well, to tell you the truth, I am having some trouble with staffing.”
“Oh? What kind of trouble?”
“Mostly in finding competent staff. I mean, the population of albinos already isn’t huge, and to find one willing to work on top of that… well, do you know what kind of time and effort that head hunting takes?”
“Well, no… what sort of…”
“And even if you do find an albino who’s willing to act, there are certain physical aspects to consider, and keeping track of them is a pretty big timesink.”
“Um..”
“I mean, have you seen the shape of the fists on some midgets? Let’s just say it’s tricky. There can be complications.”
“*click*”
“Hello? Miss?”

I guess I don’t need personal coaching after all.

*Really.
**Heidi sounded much more gullible fun.
***I tried to muffle/distort that a little for good measure.

Posted OK so this one time..., japery |